(You Make Me Feel) Like a Natural Woman

I’d like to begin by saying that I am not sexist*.  But Brittney Griner is the most terrifying woman I have ever seen (or heard).   If I saw Miss Griner in a back alley on a dark night I’d probably pee a little in my underwear and I’d give her my wallet and say, “Look mister I don’t want no trouble.”  

*I thought about dedicating this post to the abysmal beast that is women’s basketball, but I figure why beat a dead horse.  But then as acknowledged by my roommates, beating a dead horse is pretty fun.

 

My fear and awe of Brittney Griner is rooted in certain expectations that I have for human beings in general.  To state it simply, I’m just not familiar with tall people. And since I’m Asian, I’m genetically inclined to be skittish when around them (that’s why Yao Ming is such a fascinating enigma).  The fact that Griner is both tall AND a woman makes me even more fidgety.  And she’s a lot stronger than me.   And she can dunk a basketball.  This is intimidating and obviously emasculating.  The number one fear for all men is to be dunked on by their significant other. 

This led me to my next thought:  What exactly am I looking for in a woman?  No offense to Miss Griner, but what can I say, she’s not my type (not being racist I swear).   I just want to appreciate the distinction between masculinity and femininity.  God made man to be man and woman to be woman.  Here is a list of make-or-breakers: 

1.     If she can beat me in arm wrestling.  – I want to be stronger than my wife.  And I want my wife to want me to be stronger than her.  (Kisses bicep)

2.     If she has a man voice.  – She could be the most godly, innocent, funny, attractive woman on earth, but I cannot handle listening to baritone softly whispering sweet nothings to me. 

3.     If she has a moustache.  – I don’t even have a moustache!

4.     If she doesn’t think Beauty and the Beast is one of the greatest movies ever.  – This one’s probably more on me, but I mean come on, it is. 

(Bah, just amazing!)

5.     If she’s smarter than me.  – Just kidding.  Sorta.

6.     If her favorite Bible story is Jael and the Technicolor Tent Peg.  – Speaks for itself. 

7.     If she could out compete me.  And win.  – I’m pretty competitive, and I would want a large part of our relationship to be competition based.  There are certain things I’d be willing to concede, but at the end of the day the running tally would have me as the victor. 

8.     If she farts more than me.  – I fart a lot. 

9.     If she could throw a football further than me.  – It’s my only athletic specialty. 

10. If she was Brittney Griner.

Domestic violence is not ok.

  

A Divine Conspiracy

Now that Peyton Manning is a Denver Bronco the only logical question to follow is what will the Dallas Cowboys do with Tony Romo? 

The Cowboys have one clear play: trade for Tim Tebow.  The path has been made evident and to do anything contrary would be to disobey a divine call.  Are messianic analogies of Tebow overstated?  Quite so, but this one is for real. 

What is more American than football?  There is a reason why they don’t play football in the Olympics.  And what is more football than the Dallas Cowboys?  Nothing.  We know that God blesses America, therefore God blesses football, and thus the Dallas Cowboys.  That is why they are America’s Team.  But wait for it…  God ALSO blesses Tim Tebow! Goosebumps yet? 

One may think I’m grasping at straws here, but let’s look at a different angle.   Who did the Cowboys sign last week?  The Neckbeard himself, Kyle Orton.  You know who also had a crazy neckbeard?  A preparer of the way one would say?  A man of the wilderness? Yeah that’s right.  John. The. Baptist. 

If Jesus restores and is the fulfillment of the Davidic line, then an obvious conclusion is to draw the comparison between Romo and King Saul.  Yes, Saul sees early success as king only to fumble snaps and throw untimely interceptions, losing the favor of God, and thus giving way to David, who becomes the greatest Israelite king ever, winning the next four out of five Super Bowls.  (It pays to know your Chronicles.)

Some may lack faith that Tebow’s destination lies in Dallas, but my one last wild card is the simple fact that Jerry Jones is senile and crazy.  Remember that time when he gave up a first, third, and sixth round draft pick for Roy Williams?  Terrible move right?  Or was it? 

After acquiring Williams in 2008 and finishing a disappoint 9-7, the Cowboys part ways with polarizing receiver Terrell Owens, believing that they have their number one receiver in Williams.  The next season the Cowboys find their breakout receiver not in Williams but in Miles Austin who gets his first career start due to an injured Williams.  He has 250 yards, and scores the game winning touchdown in overtime, rendering Williams as expendable. 

The Cowboys knowing they cannot rely on Roy for anything, especially in catching footballs spend their 24th pick in the 2010 draft on wide receiver Dez Bryant.  And who was the 25^th pick you ask?

Tim Tebow. 

Jerry knew that it wasn’t the right time, and he had the foresight four years coming to know that if they did not have an obvious need at wide receiver that the temptation would be too much and Tebow would become a Cowboy prematurely.  And we know that timing is everything. 

And that time is now.   Tebow Time.  

Pride of Man and March Madness

The appeal of March Madness is far-reaching and proudly American.  The fact that any team has a “chance” to win represents the underdog mentality that is so captivatingly endearing, mirroring the layman’s own attempt at winning his/her bracket pool.  Not all teams are created equal, but all teams have an equal opportunity.  We love that in America.  Boot straps man, boot straps.  We love the tournament because we love projecting how right we’re going to be, and once we’re proven wrong, we love to recall how right we could (should) have been.* 

*Last Monday I told my roommate that I had a strong gut feeling that Lehigh was going to beat Duke.  I did not pull the trigger, and have been bemoaning my lack of faith ever since. 

Predicting the tournament is appealing because it feeds our desire to be all-knowing, and if knowledge is indeed power, then all-power appears to be just within our reach.  This, of course is certainly ridiculous.  But it’s funny because a lot of people fill out a lot of brackets.  And I know that most people would not suggest that their bracket would survive the flames of perfection.  But there is still that brief moment after I get done filling out my bracket, before the second guessing creeps in, where I take a step back to admire pronged beauty, and I think, “Oh my gosh.  I’m a genius.” But the genius for all of us is short lived as no one has ever filled out a perfect bracket (the Internet told me). 

I believe this to be the work of a divine hand.  Predicting the tournament has a Tower-of-Babel potential, and the only remedy is for God to ensure that no one will ever have a perfect bracket.  If anyone ever does get a perfect bracket they should be terrified.  “Ah sweet my bracket is perf- OH DEAR LORD MY ARM HAS LEPROSY!”  There would be ramifications; God is not mocked. 

This mindset however, is not unique to college basketball.  We try to predict and project many circumstances and scenarios only to see our expectations fall somewhere within the range of short of exceeded, but never exactly as what we thought.  But if we are going to try to predict how many kids we have, or what type of job we get, or what food we’ll eat for the day, we might as well make it as fun, competitive and exciting as college basketball.  I vote office pools for everything.  Gambling isn’t a sin if you win.  (Casting lots is in the Bible.) 

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9