I’d like to begin by saying that I am not sexist*. But Brittney Griner is the most terrifying woman I have ever seen (or heard). If I saw Miss Griner in a back alley on a dark night I’d probably pee a little in my underwear and I’d give her my wallet and say, “Look mister I don’t want no trouble.”
*I thought about dedicating this post to the abysmal beast that is women’s basketball, but I figure why beat a dead horse. But then as acknowledged by my roommates, beating a dead horse is pretty fun.
My fear and awe of Brittney Griner is rooted in certain expectations that I have for human beings in general. To state it simply, I’m just not familiar with tall people. And since I’m Asian, I’m genetically inclined to be skittish when around them (that’s why Yao Ming is such a fascinating enigma). The fact that Griner is both tall AND a woman makes me even more fidgety. And she’s a lot stronger than me. And she can dunk a basketball. This is intimidating and obviously emasculating. The number one fear for all men is to be dunked on by their significant other.
This led me to my next thought: What exactly am I looking for in a woman? No offense to Miss Griner, but what can I say, she’s not my type (not being racist I swear). I just want to appreciate the distinction between masculinity and femininity. God made man to be man and woman to be woman. Here is a list of make-or-breakers:
1. If she can beat me in arm wrestling. – I want to be stronger than my wife. And I want my wife to want me to be stronger than her. (Kisses bicep)
2. If she has a man voice. – She could be the most godly, innocent, funny, attractive woman on earth, but I cannot handle listening to baritone softly whispering sweet nothings to me.
3. If she has a moustache. – I don’t even have a moustache!
4. If she doesn’t think Beauty and the Beast is one of the greatest movies ever. – This one’s probably more on me, but I mean come on, it is.
(Bah, just amazing!)
5. If she’s smarter than me. – Just kidding. Sorta.
6. If her favorite Bible story is Jael and the Technicolor Tent Peg. – Speaks for itself.
7. If she could out compete me. And win. – I’m pretty competitive, and I would want a large part of our relationship to be competition based. There are certain things I’d be willing to concede, but at the end of the day the running tally would have me as the victor.
8. If she farts more than me. – I fart a lot.
9. If she could throw a football further than me. – It’s my only athletic specialty.
10. If she was Brittney Griner.
Domestic violence is not ok.
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