Santa Claus: And Other Lies I'll Tell My Children

Some day I hope to be a father.  A loving, gentle, warm, mischievous, mustache twisting jerk of a father.  I’ve come to such a conclusion after realizing adults’ quick and casual dismissal of how we portray Santa Claus to children.  Which is just a blatant, blatant lie. 

And such a thing doesn’t really bother me.  It’s for the kids’ own enjoyment.   We lie so they can take pleasure and joy for a handful years – even if it makes them feel betrayed and stupid as an eight year old.  (Or in my case, as a sixteen year old.) 

And I don’t have an “Occupy Santa” mentality.  “Santa you’re taking away the real meaning of Christmas!  It’s supposed to be about Jesus!”  Santa can’t do that, because Santa’s not real.  Hopefully I can be a good enough parent where my kids aren’t worshiping something imaginary…

But anyways I digress.  I realized that if it’s socially acceptable for me to lie to my kids about Santa Claus, then that really opens up the flood gates.  Here are a few ideas I have, feel free to use them too, and add on accordingly. 

In addition to the Christmas deception of Santa, I want to dress up in a bloodied Santa suit, and begin weeping by the Christmas tree.  Only to have my children see me, and in between sobs I’ll cry, “They’re dead.  All the reindeer are dead.”   The next morning we’ll open presents like nothing ever happened. 

I want to tell my biological kids that they’re adopted, and if I ever have adopted kids, tell them that they’re my biological kids.  And I’ll also throw in my own “adoption” (or not-adoption) story to make it even more confusing.  “Yeah Thomas, you’re adopted.  No, Zechariah you’re not adopted.  Er wait... no that’s me.  I’m not adopted.  Or am I?  Dang it.  Whatever, we’ll figure it out later.”

I’ll randomly reference a sibling they never had…

[Eating at the dinner table] “Oh your sister Susan loved green beans.”

[Taking pictures at prom night] “I remember Susan’s prom night.  She wore that same dress.”

[Yelling at them during sporting events] “Susan wouldn’t have struck out three times in a row!” [Then I’ll whisper to my wife, loud enough for the other parents to hear] “This kid’s the worst one yet…”

I’ll them that The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings were written between Malachi and Matthew, but were left out of the canon during the Reformation (the one thing Luther got wrong) (Well, he also excluded the Revelation of Bartholomew – or what others call Star Wars.)

Simple ones that I’ll use to justify any and all actions:

“I never had a cell phone growing up!  You don’t need one either.”

(When I realize I can’t help them with any math that goes beyond simple algebra) 

“Don’t worry about it, math is fake anyways.”

“The only way to get by in this world is to be a professional athlete.”

“Don’t tell the others but… you’re my favorite.”

“If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”

This one’s the most realistic, and arguably the easiest to pull off and maintain: I want to have a photo album for every year of their lives except for age 2.  I imagine the dialogue as such:

“Hey dad, why don’t we have a photo album of me when I was two?” 

“Huh?”

“The photo album of me when I was two.  Where is it?  We have all the other ones.”

“We do.  It’s in there somewhere.”

“No we don’t.  I’ve looked everywhere.”

[And then I’ll get really serious and look them dead in the eye] “We don’t talk about that year.”

“What do you mean?  What happened?”

“Nothing.”

(Skip ahead fifty years later, when I’m on my deathbed.)

“Come closer my son.  I want to tell you something.”

“What is it pops?  Do you need me to get you anything?  Are you comfortable?”

“No, no.  Nothing like that.  You know that missing photo album?  The one when you were two?”

“Yeah?”

“You want to know, what happened that year, and why we don’t have it?”

“Yes.  Dad, I’ve wanted to know my whole life.”

“Nothing happened, we just never took pictures that year.  I just wanted to mess with you.”

(Nurse walks into room)

Nurse: “Is your father doing ok?  Is he coughing?’

“No he’s not coughing.  He’s laughing…  Bastard.”

It’s going to take a while for me to find a wife if we have to be like-minded… Lame. 

 ***

To redeem this post – is this the way we think of God our Father?  (Hopefully not to such an absurd extreme)  But do we ever think that God is holding out on us, that he’s just one big schemer.  I know I can be guilty at misperceiving how good my Father is, that at times I forget that He really does have my best interest at heart.  God is good, he wants to bless his children, not confound or frustrate them. 

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” – Colossians 3:20-21. 

Vegetarian no longer.

(Ingredients for some vegetarian chili)

My month as a vegetarian is complete.  About a week ago, I told the Adertons that on Christmas morning I would wake up and cook myself a pound of bacon.  And then I realized that would immediately defeat the reasoning and principles of the month preceding.   I did have bacon on Christmas morning, only thee slices.  My first meat in a month wasn’t exactly euphoric; it was not the walking-down-the-escalator-from-the-airport-terminal reunion as I had anticipated.  It was just seeing an old friend, catching up where we left off.

“Oh hey bacon, it’s been a while. “

‘Same to you Jake.  How’s it been?”

“Pretty good, just back for Christmas.”

“Yeah, merry Christmas.  You catch the Dallas game yesterday?”

“Yeah pretty disappointing.”

“Hey Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes bacon, you can ask me a question.”

“Do you uh, do you still like me?’

“Yeah bacon.  I do.”

“Good.  I like you too.”

(Bacon can’t really talk)

Here’s a quick overview of the month – goals, expectations, surprises and the whatnot.

1.     It was a lot easier to do than I expected.

2.     My cooking habits did not change as dramatically as I hoped – I did make some new things, and variations of old things.  I learned however, that my cooking is more dictated by time, money, and motivation rather than by diet.

3.     I never did get a regular poop cycle going.

4.     I only lost five pounds, which was my biggest reservation – I can’t afford to lose weight, for various reasons…  (most important being: wardrobe)

5.     It was really fun to talk to people about it, you find out how important food is to everyone. 

6.     Which also showed me how ridiculous the amount of time I spend thinking about food.  It’s a lot.  I get pretty excited about food. 

7.     I like fruits more than I like vegetables.

8.     I don’t “get” celery.

9.     I think I only ate out twice, and saved some cash.  Restaurants (especially fast food) like meats.

10.  Hopefully the past month will permanently diversify my eating habits.  We shall see.

I would definitely recommend being a month-long vegetarian to anyone.  It may change your life, it may not.  But it's interesting.  

A video about food and being healthy.  And diabetes. 

When Jesus Drops the Mic

You know those moments when you’re reading the gospels, and Jesus does or says something that leaves you thinking, “Are you serious?  Did that just happen?”   Even with 2,000 some odd years of history, culture, expectations, sermons and teachings, we are still blown away by Jesus.  He's such a B.A.  (A loving B.A.)  Here are some of my favorite “Ohnohedi’int” moments:

1. John 7:39-46

ESV Heading: You Are of Your Father The Devil

Or Rather: Pharisees Get Satan-slapped

The Set Up:

“Duh Jesus, you big goof, we’re the Pharisees – we follow Abraham! …and maybe even God.  Well… probably God.  We do follow God. Yeah, for sure.”

The Drop:

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires.  He was a murderer from the beginning, and he has nothing to do with the truth because there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks out of his own character for he is a liar and the father of lies.  But because I tell you the truth, you do not believe me.  Which one of you convicts me of sin?  If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me?  Whoever is of God hears the words of God.  The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God.”

The Reaction:

Oh Snap!  Jesus what THE HECK!  Dude.  It’s like if I went up to Mark Driscoll or John Piper and said “Hey, your father is the devil! (Which would not be true)  That takes some big ones.   Being a Pharisee is like a life long occupation too, and Jesus essentially told them their lives up to that point had been one huge self-deceptive lie.  Talk about a day-maker.

2. Mark 2:1-12

ESV Heading: Jesus Heals a Paralytic

Or Rather: Walkin the Talk: Too Legit to Quit. 

The Set Up:

“Hey man, sorry I’m late.  What have I missed?”

“Oh dude, he’s just been healin people.  So sick.”

“Ha.  Good pun.”  (They look on curiously)

“Dude what’s goin on, look someone’s comin’ in from the roof!”

“They just destroyed his roof!”

“Oh man I’d be so pissed.”

“Is that guy paralyzed?”

“Ah yeah, I bet he’s gonna heal him.”

Jesus: “Son, your sins are forgiven.” 

“That’s not a healing…”

“Can he say that?  He can’t say that can he?”

“That can’t be legal.”

The Drop:

“Why do you question these things in your hearts?  Which is easier, to say to the paralytic ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise, take up your bed and walk’?  But that may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins” – [looks to paralytic] – “I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home.”

The Reaction:

BAAAA!  Classic Jesus.  No analogy is perfect by any means, so forgive any sacrilege by making such a reference.  But this scene is Shrugworthy:

                                        (Michael Jordan is not like Jesus.  Save for the fact that they're 

                                                        both really good at basketball)

Pharisees and scribes are like poor Cliff Robinson.  Oh, forgiving sins?  Healing people?  Eh,  *shrugs* I can only do what I see my Father doing. Count it!

 

3. Luke 4:16-30

ESV Heading: Jesus Rejected at Nazareth

Or Rather: Ya’ll Wanna Hear a Prophesy?  I said, DO YA’LL WANNA HEAR A PROPHESAY!

The Set Up:

“Does anyone else have anything they would like to say to the congregation?  Any prayer requests or community updates?  Margaret, I know we’re having that bake sale Tuesday night is that correct?  Oh Jesus, you’d like to share something?”

The Drop:

(Jesus quoting Isaiah): “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  (Rolls up scroll, gives it back to the attendant, which is the first century, literal equivalent of a mic-drop) “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

The Reaction:

This guy’s crazy, and I like it.  I love the reaction of the congregation: “And the of all in the synagogue were fixed on him”  “And all spoke well of him and marveled”  “When they heard these things, all in the synagogue were filled with wrath.”  This is like the epitome of the religious double take.  “Oh yeah, good reading Jesus.  Very timely word.  Wait.  What?  What did you just say?  You cannot say that!”  Oh yes.  He’s droppin hot truth.

Man.  I’d follow this guy. 

(Editor's Note: For more see Matthew 5-7 - "Droppin it From The Mount" A Greatest Hits Collection) 

An Identity Crisis

Brothers and sisters those who know and pursue the love of Christ, who look to imitate his actions, and learn from his words… I have a question, with the answer possibly being a bit blasphemous.  We’ll see how it goes...  

The question is:

Are we sinners?  Are you a sinner?  Am I a sinner?

Is this a trick question?  Yes…?  (shifts eyes suspiciously)

“I am a sinner.” 

This phrase gets used quite a bit among us.  It’s used when we share our testimonies, when we talk with those who do not share in our hope, establishing that we are all in need of the grace and mercy provided by Jesus, his death, and resurrection.  We use it as an empathetic encouragement for those who are struggling with a specific sin. 

There is a problem with this statement.  It is not truth. 

Uh… blasphemy…?

What did the blood of Christ purchase if not a new identity, if not a relationship where we are righteous and inheritors of a loving promise?  That we are now sons and daughters, and are no longer slaves to sin.  Does Jesus not say that we need to be born again?

Well right.

I’m not one to dabble in semantics, so I do think that what people are trying to say when they admit that they are “sinners” is the fact that they were sinners, and at times they do, indeed, still sin, and that fact only illuminates the amazing power of God’s love and mercy.

Was I a sinner? 

Yes.  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23

Do I (still) sin?

Yes. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” – 1 John 1:8

But am I a sinner? 

No.  “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receive the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry ‘Abba! Father!’  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.” – Romans 8:14-16

We need to make sure we are communicating a right view of ourselves, a right view of God, and a right view of the sacrifice of Christ.  The unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God, but we are now righteous – so why classify ourselves as something that we are no longer? 

But we still sin.  Sometimes a lot.  And pretty much every day.

Yeah we do, and we probably will sin every day for the rest of our lives.  (Although I don’t want to speak that over anyone as Jesus believes it possible for us to be perfect – Matthew 5:48).  But the act of sinning does not define identity – as we are now redeemed.  I sin but am not a sinner in the same sense that I can throw a football and play catch with my brother, but am not a professional football player.  (Despite popular belief)  There are more accurate and consistent ways to describe me based on how I live my life and what my passions are. 

The shift in my identity from sinner to son, an heir with Christ, was purchased with quite a high cost.  Even though we have decent intentions when we admit, “I am a sinner,” the payment of the life of Jesus seems pretty substantial for us to claim righteousness and not sin. 

I think the owner of the Los Angeles Angels would not be the most excited if Albert Pujols still called himself a St. Louis Cardinal.  “Hey Albert, uh remember that time when we paid you 250 million dollars…?”

I don’t want to condemn or call anyone a heretic if they ever refer to themselves as a sinner, because again I think I understand the heart and intent behind the statement.  And I don't want to dilute the impact of sin, and therefore strip away the power of God's grace.  But I hope this can be an enlightening way to affirm the truth of salvation rather than the falsehood of condemnation.  Maybe we are still trapped in reoccurring sin, maybe we don’t repent or confess as easily as we could because we are too quick to assume the identity of sinner.  Instead of that phrase reflecting the grace and mercy of God, the term ‘sinner’ becomes accusatory and self-deprecating, a self-fulfilling prophecy that looks to enslave rather than to free. 

How do we describe ourselves to others?  If we’re claiming the title of sinner more than son or daughter of God, than something may be skewed with the way we view our relationship with God.  In case some of you did not know, I was adopted from South Korea by two wonderful, loving parents.  As in America, they give names to babies in Korea.  So I had a Korean name… don’t ask me what it is, cause I can never remember it.  Why?  Because it hasn’t been my name for 22 and a half years.  I call myself by the name my parents gave me.  The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus gives us a new life, a new identity, a new name.  And this fact makes me want to follow and love God all the more. 

“As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” – Psalm 103:12-13

Music of 2011: The Favorites

Here is a short list of my favorite albums of 2011. 

Honorable Mentions:

Undun by The Roots,

Dye It Blonde by The Smith Westerns

Let England Shake by PJ Harvey

w h o k i l l by tUnE-yArDs

The Top 5:

5. The King is Dead by The Decemberists

Good country, folky, Americana music.  The album’s early release solidifies it as my most played for the year.  Although more simple and focused than Hazards of Love, it does not have the story telling and lyricism of their first three albums.  They know what they’re going for though, and the album has its fair share of great, sing-along hooks.

"Rox in the Box"

4.  Bon Iver by Bon Iver

I wasn’t sure what to make of this album on my first listen or even the tenth time through.  It’s an album the grows and reveals itself more upon each listen. Synth-heavy, with a much more slick and intricate production contrasts the minimal brilliance of their debut.  Although I would favor For Emma as a whole, Bon Iver brings some pretty amazing tracks (“Perth,” “Holocene,” “Calgary”) that are – as of now – highlights of Vernon both as musician and lyricist. 

"Calgary"

3. Metals by Feist

Feist provides an album that shows her diversifying the things that she does well.  Sultry, bluesy, and at times rollicking, the summation is a slow burn of personal and self-reflective thoughts on love loss.  She has the smarts to not buy into poppy hooks and simplistic romanticism, but at the same time showcases her melodic and harmonic capabilities that promote listen after listen.

"How Come You Never Go There"

2. House of Balloons/Thursday by The Weeknd

An R&B, hip-hop singer in the same vein as Drake (but much better), brings the world of the party to us,  but - as Kanye did on MBDATF - shows us that the party is not really glitz and glamour, but dark, seedy, and lonely.  His falsetto provides an appropriate vehicle for taking us into a surreal, dreamlike journey into the nightlife.  I’m not huge on this genre (I really do not get Drake) but these two albums are unlike anything I’ve heard, and they hold a seductive quality that makes one return, as to a party they know they should not enter. 

"Wicked Games"

1. All Eternals Deck by The Mountain Goats

John Darnielle gives us some pretty profound images and glimpses of life.  Showing us the simple joys, yearning regrets, and unrealized passions, the album plays out as a metaphysical insight into both who we are and who we could be.  Like his preceding album, Darnielle relies on everyday scenarios, coupled with biblical references, developing stories that are enlightening and at times heart breaking.  This album has my favorite song for the year, a song that parallels the progression/evolution of mankind with the more personal reflection of our own lives. 

"Sourdoire Valley"

Here’s my 2011 mixtape, some favorites I’ll recommend for additional listening.  In no particular order:

1. The Other Side – The Roots

2. Midnight City – M83

3. 1+1 – Beyonce

4. Weekend – Smith Westerns

5. Go Ahead – The Rosebuds

6. My Baby’s Arms – Kurt Vile

7. Go Outside – Cults

8. Bizness – tUnE-yArDs

9. East Harlem - Beirut

10. Video Game – Lana Del Rey

11. Mind Eraser – The Black Keys

12. Limit to Your Love – James Blake

13. Words That Maketh Murder – PJ Harvey

14. Why I Love You – Jay-Z and Kanye West

Tim Tebow and the Miracles

“Now this I know: the Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand.” – Psalm 20:6

Is the success of Tim Tebow the real life version of Angels in the Outfield?   Is God a Denver Bronco’s fan?  (Last week proves to me that God, and rightly so, is at least not a Bears fan.)  Does God even care about football? 

How we judge the success of Tebow tells a lot about how we judge the relationship that we have with God.  I’ve been hearing quite a few commentators, whenever Tebow and his faith are mentioned, argue (often in defense of Tebow) as such:

Tebow is good for the NFL.  He’s a dynamic player who is upfront about his faith.  He’s not shoving it down anyone’s throat. (True.)  It should be refreshing that someone is standing for what they believe in and actually living it out. (True.)  And God has more on his plate than a football game, I assure you.  (Really?)

This final statement gets expressed in various ways but it implies the same notion that God does not waste his time on trivial matters like a mere football game.  

If we believe God to be all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present, and all-loving then such a sentiment is false.  If we can agree that there is no thing too big for God, then the opposite must be true, there is no thing too small for God.  “You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from a far.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold O Lord, you know it altogether.” – Psalm 139:2-4

What we should remember is not only that God is sovereign but he is also a loving Father.  He delights in his children, and takes joy in what they do.   I’m sure God loves that his son, Tim Tebow, is enjoying himself in playing football, and God gets even more delight in seeing that Tim directs the glory back to Him.  “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

So is God constructing a divine victory for Tebow and the Broncos?  Did an unseen angel run behind Marion Barber, gliding him to the sideline, or maybe it reached out a fiery wing and punched the ball out, causing him to fumble?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  But I do know that no responsible or loving parent would race out to the middle of a basketball court, push their kid down in the middle of a free throw attempt and say, “I’m going to take this shot for you, just to make sure you win.”  Although I’ve never met him, I can call Tim Tebow my brother, and I hope he keeps winning.  Cause the more he wins, the more people talk about him, and the more people talk about him, the more they’re going to be talking about the Father.

Many claim that all Tim Tebow does is win, but the victory we know has already been won, and that in Christ:

“The sting of death

is sin

and the power of sin

is the law.

But thanks be to God

Who gives us Victory

through our Lord

Jesus Christ.

Therefore

My Beloved Brothers,

be Steadfast

Immovable

Always (always)

Abounding

in the work

of the Lord

Knowing,

that in Him,

your labor

Is not in vain.”

The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

I am a man.  And I am competitive.  Redundant?  Possibly.  Football is so magnificent because it allows an individual to participate on two levels*:  that as a fan – one can compete vicariously through their team, or more directly (relatively speaking) as a fantasy owner – which provides a pseudo-sense of responsibility. 

*Both are utterly absurd.

But last night was the conflict that every fantasy owner dreads, and that is the tension between your fantasy team and the team of your fanhood. 

The Scenario: 

Fantasy Playoffs – First Round (Win or Go Home…) (Except you’ll be home even if you win, cause this isn’t really real, but it is real.  Sort of.)  (Regardless, this was very important) (Not really).

When the second set of games finished, I was losing to my opponent 94-90 with one more, HUGE game to play:  Cowboys (my favorite team) vs. Giants.  Here was the fantasy breakdown -

I had left to play:                                                                        My Opponent:

Tony Romo (Dallas)                                                                 Victor Cruz (New York)

Dez Bryant (Dallas)                                                                  Hakeem Nicks (New York)

                                                                                                        Laurent Robinson (Dallas)

My emotional discourse was to be directed as such, cheer against Cruz and Nicks: done and done.  Good for fantasy, good for fanhood.  Cheer against Robinson.  Uh… bad for fanhood.  (Sheepishly) good for fantasy… (cries a little).

So down by 4 crucial points with these five players left – inspired by Tebow – I prayed a foolish, impulsive, Jephthahian prayer, “O Lord grant me a fantasy victory this evening! And if it be your will let the Cowboys, your team of teams, also win.” 

First Quarter:

Hakeem Nicks has 94 yards!?! Already!?! Ugh.  And Giants are winning 5-0. 

Tony Romo scores! And it’s not Laurent Robinson.  Awesome!

Second Quarter:

Brandon Jacobs scores! Go Giants running game, go!  Oh… Cowboys are losing. That’s bad isn’t it?

Romo scores again… but it’s to Laur. Rent. Rob. In. Son.  (Heart rips in half.)

Begins the official Brandon Jacobs’ Fan Club.

Third Quarter:

Why is Hakeem Nicks still catching balls?

Wait, I think Manning just realized Victor Cruz is also on his team…

(Between ambivalent sobs) Thank you, Mario Manningham. 

Giants are ahead.  And my fantasy team is losing.  Down by 6.

Dez.  You still have zero points.  

Fourth Quarter:

YUP.  74 YARD PASS TO ROBINSON.  “Jake, are you being sarcastic?” “I… I don’t know anymore…”

Romo to Austin! Boom.  Cowboys are ahead and I’m getting closer to a fantasy come-back. 

Victor Cruz.  Stop.

Dez Bryant scores!  Jake AND the Cowboys go ahead!!  All is right with the world…

Three minutes left.

Manning marches down the field.  Scores.  Eh. Whatever.

Incomplete pass to wide open Miles Austin.  That’s not good…

Yuuuup.  Giants score, again. 

We’re dead. 

“Don’t worry!  We found a doctor, he knows CPR.”  (Oh thank God, everything will be fine.)

…

“That is NOT how you do CPR!  Are you even a doctor?”

“Sometimes I watch House.”

“Get out.”

Final Verdict: Jake gets fantasy victory, but at what cost…?  The Lord doth answereth…

(An analysis of Psalm 20:6 to come)

Pooping. And the nature of God.

I was going to write about my first two weeks of being a vegetarian, and discuss the ease of completely cutting meat out of my diet (which has been quite surprising) and then also the few difficulties that have come with it (just last night I enviously watched my friends eat BLT’s) and the most surprising difficulty: that of pooping.*

*I thought being a vegetarian would keep me “regular” but it’s been the exact opposite.   Sometimes it takes a couple days to force something out, other times I’ll average 1.96 poops per day, which is a drastic shift from my omnivorous .78 PPD.   My body is just confused. (As is my mind.)

This line of thought took me somewhere much more existential and theological than I had anticipated.  I had to ask: God, why poop?  What was the reason in that design?  Why have it be so disgusting?  So smelly?  So messy?  And then it took me even deeper and more practical.  Did Jesus like pooping?  Did Jesus ever have diarrhea?  Did he have really big, painful poops?  Did he have to wipe?

You may be asking, are these valid, edifying questions?  And the answer is: of course.  Watch this logic – we use moments, situations, relationships, circumstances as ways to illuminate the nature and love of God.  For example, marriage is meant to show us the relationship between Christ and the Church or the relationship with our parents can be comparable to the relationship that God the Father has towards us, his children.  Therefore, it’s only appropriate to ask, what does pooping tell us about God? 

Whenever we ask ourselves a question like this, the best and first thing we should do is look to scripture.  Here’s what I found: “Designate a place outside the camp where you can go [poop].  As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you [poop], dig a hole and cover up your [poop].  For the Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you.  Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.” – Deuteronomy 23:12-14. 

There’s a lot to unpack in these verses, and it may be difficult to find a direct take home application now that the blood of Christ has purchased both sins and toilets.  I went and opened up Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology.  As extensive and in depth as Grudem’s book claims to be, there was no chapter on poop, nor was the topic even referenced in the index.  Disappointing to say the least (I’m not alone on this, as John Piper’s review shares similar sentiments.)*

*“Grudem does an admirable and intelligent work in explaining faith-practical topics such as the Trinity, the Omnipresence of God, the authority of Scripture and so forth.  He however, does not address the theological implications of poop and the process thereof.  Unfortunate, disappointing, and irresponsible.  Do not buy this book.” – John Piper**

**Not real.

After much meditation, I concluded:  Poop in moderation, funny and edifying.  Too much poop: disgusting, possibly sinful.

For the first point a hypothetical experience will point us towards truth.  Imagine corporate prayer time, and in the middle of interceding someone farts.  Laughter will, one hundred percent of the time, occur.  This is also why Adam Sandler  and the Farrelly Brothers movies are so successful.  People like poop jokes. 

For the second, I’ll provide a more personal example.  Sometimes during the worship set, when I’m at church – because of the anonymity and safety of the loud music – I will fart.  No one hears it, which is good. And most of the time it doesn’t smell, and even if it does, if I play it right (acting as confused and disgusted as those around me) I can play it off on someone else.  Now let’s say the person next to me hears it and/or smells it, they’ll start laughing and I’ll start laughing, and it’ll be funny.  And then maybe he farts too and that’s even funnier and we both start laughing.  But then this is a rapid and destructive example of diminishing marginal return.  Think if EVERYONE farted during worship. Mass chaos.  I don’t even want to imagine it.

You know when after you poop, and you spray an aerosol freshener in the bathroom to try to make the room smell nice, but all it really does is just produce a stale rotten fruit smell, in addition to your poop smell?  Well this is what it’s like with farts.  One fart doesn’t merely cover up the other, they create a synergistic fusion, becoming this conglomerate mass of poop stench.  (I don’t know the scientific particulars behind it, I think it has something to do with electrons).  That many farts in the sanctuary = not a good thing.

That’s why God says go outside the camp to do your business.  If one prankster is the serial pooper of Israel, haha it’s funny.  “Oh Martha come here and look!  Jerry pooped outside our tent last night.  Ha! That little rascal.”  But if ALL of Israel pooped within the camp?  That’s a biblical plague.  (Egyptians sadly agree.)

So what does poop tell us about God?  He has a sense of humor, but one of moderation.  Love God, love people, poop enough  but not too often.  

Guilty Pleasure Part Three: The End of the World

I was ten years old, laying on my stomach, elbows propped, hands bracing the chin, mesmerizingly witnessing the end of the world.   Armageddon.  A movie of unabashed testosterone and machismo, and I loved it.  Love(d) every heart pounding minute of it.

Here are some plot points to remind you of all its glory and splendor. (Spoiler alert! But I’m sure you all have seen the movie, and if you haven’t this summary will do just as well)

Opens with Charlton Heston.  Dirty apes indeed.  World is going to get destroyed – just a matter of time.  (Dinosaurs sadly agree)

Space craft exploding.

NASA team going crazy, exploding.

Guys on oil rig, Bruce Willis exploding bullets from his shotgun – or what others simply call “shooting.”

 

A discreet meteor the size of Texas coming to destroy the earth, possibly for revenge

Only solution NASA can come up with: blue collared, fun lovin, shoot from the hip, hard exterior/soft interior, space cowboy oil drillers.  USA! USA!

Training is so fun and goofy.  What a dysfunctional crew.  Could be a light hearted sitcom...

Save for the fact that millions of Parisians die, but it looks really, really cool.  (Explosions)

Training ends, they go to space, John Denver, humor and love triumph in the face of adversity.

Another space station explodes.

Two spacecrafts get to the meteor to nuke it, one has landing problems – explodes.

One space ship is lost, the other begins to drill, Billy Bob Thorton is sweaty.

The one that is drilling hits a gas pocket, explodes.  MAAAAX!!!

All hope is lost.

Just in the nick of time, the lost space ship is now found, they begin to drill again!

Oh no! More meteors!  Explosions! Houston we have a problem.

Bruce Willis decides to take one for the team and detonates the nuke by hand.  God bless him.

Aerosmith, Liv Tyler, father-daughter goodbye, tears*

Bruce Willis explodes the meteor as spaceship barely gets into orbit.

The surviving crew returns, walking in slow-motion.  Explosion of emotions. 

Bruce Willis: really dead the whole time. 

So I bet after reading that summary and remembering the actual movie, you’re thinking how can that great piece of entertainment possibly be a source of guilt and not one of pure pleasure?  Why?  Because I detest the director, Michael Bay.  He is a disgrace to story telling, to the film industry, to intelligence and sensibility.   And I’ll admit, no I have not seen any installments of the Transformers series, and I never will, but I’m confident in saying they’re terrible movies – even with viewing them as mere, shallow entertainment.  (But how can you judge something you never seen?  Oh I can and I will.  – That topic, I’ll save for another day)  But I have seen the rest of his filmography and it is not good.  Not one bit. 

And yet I love Armageddon.  AAH! I do.  If it’s on television I have to sit down and watch it.  The unapologetic campiness, romantic sap, and a blatant disregard for all science and logic appeals to my ten-year-old self – which is not exactly a compliment – but the ten-year-old in me loves it.  I laugh, I cry, I feel the tension, the pride, the fear.  The film is a roller coaster of emotions, a shallow, puddle in the parking lot, yellow-tinted-kiddy-pool of emotion. 

There is something to be said about a man who is one of the most financially successful directors in the history of film, in that his stories obviously appeal to the inherent heart and soul of man and woman.  The masses are not always right and they can be down right foolish, but alas, I am no better.   Sometimes you just have to enjoy things for what they are.

Maybe I’ll give Transformers a chance… (Remembers Pearl Harbor, shakes head in disgust)  

*As a ten year old I literally cried during this scene:

A Vegi-tale.

A vegetarian?  *snickers

What. An. Idiot.  Probably doesn’t even know Jesus. 

Over the years I wondered with much scoffing and mockery why any one would intentionally deny themselves something so wonderful and assuring as meat.  I would pity vegetarians, knowing that their reasons of morality and health were superficial and insubstantial. 

Protecting animals?  Ha.  David killed a lion with his bare hands.  Sorry PETA, we’re made to kill animals.  It’s why we have thumbs and why we’re so much more smarter. 

And you want to be healthy?  Well Jacob, the Bible does say to treat your body as a holy temple.  My response, you’re taking that way too symbolically.   How many animals were killed in the temple for sacrifice…?  Answer:  Not enough. 

Meat for the stomach and the stomach for meat.  That’s what I say. 

Or rather, that’s what I did say. 

I am now on Day 3 of Vegetarian Month.   Yes, I am giving up meat for a month.  Beginning on Black Friday and lasting until Righteous Sunday (or what some call Christmas) I shall be meatless. 

The seed was planted the other week when I was eating breakfast with a few friends, consisting of bacon and eggs cooked in bacon grease (not a lot of bacon grease, just a dabble).  We found ourselves conversing of health and the impact of working out and dieting, making me well aware that I do neither.

I don’t work-out, at least consistently, for many reasons:

1.     I’m Asian.

2.     God blessed me with permanently toned biceps.

3.     I have asthma.

4.     Gym memberships cost money. 

5.     I don’t own anything sleeveless.

6.     I’m left handed.

As you can see I’m up against some daunting barriers.  Therefore dieting would appear to be my only other option to fight the onslaught of a failing metabolism.  (As I am Asian, the metabolic decay begins at age fifty so I do have a while before I need to get “serious.” But better to set good patterns sooner than later.)

This health reason was much better than my original reason, that of simple, unrepentant pride.  “Of course I could go without meat for a month.  I’m a man!” (Paraphrasing)

Another goal for this month is that as I diversify my eating habits I will also diversify my cooking repertoire.   I really do love to cook but I am not very creative or motivated, which results in a lot of eggs and bacon, sandwiches of various sorts, and frozen pizzas.  The plan is to get me to think outside of the box, get more fruits and vegetables on the plate, and therefore make me a better human being - physically, morally, and attractively…

Only time will tell if this month significantly changes eating habits.  However, if this permanently makes me a vegetarian then something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.  I’ll be like Dr. Frankenstein, with the cure being an equal and opposite experiment of eating only meat for an entire month.  It’d be disgusting, but necessary.  And, if we're honest and decent people, it’d probably be the more impressive feat…  *considering

An Upset of Doubt: Iowa State over #2 Oklahoma State

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. – Hebrews 11:1

And then with about three minutes left to play in the game Jared Barnett threw a quick pass over the middle of the field.  The ball was a moment late as the receiver stuck a out desperate hand; the ball tipped into the air, fell end over end quite conveniently into the hands of the linebacker. 

Amongst the crowd of 52,000 I dropped my head, knowing the game was minutes away from a surprisingly respectable albeit disappointing end.

***

One of the joys of sports is the pregame anticipation, trying to analyze and pick apart players, statistics, and simple gut feelings on which team will win and why.   Only truth can be played out on the field, leaving theory and philosophy to be discussed before hand. This means any preemptive claims found in the future-tense will always fall into two categories while forever avoiding one: Either faith or doubt.  And never fact. 

Hours before the game I read in the paper that Oklahoma State was favored by 27.5 points over Iowa State.  And all the experts, regardless of the point spread, believed that the Cowboys, with arguably the best offense in college football (real college football – sorry Houston) would win the game handedly.   My co-workers agreed, my roommates agreed, and so did the friends that went to the game with me.  I’m not one to be immune to pure logic either.  I believed that Iowa State would not win the game. 

As I left to meet up with my friends, I scoffed with my roommate – who was also going to the game – that the next time I would see him would be on the field, celebrating a Cyclone victory.   This is the natural defense mechanism of the fan, the guarding of the heart for the one in love: the superstitious attempt to avoid any certainty, naturally placing one in either a sea of self deprecation, or sarcastic, exaggerated hope. 

The sick, beautiful word of hope.  And here is where the heart begins its attempt to discern itself.   What is the difference between hope and belief and faith?  And why is it that they always seem to walk hand in hand with doubt, such a disruptive and deceptive mistress? 

The heart is fickle and where doubt lies so does fear.  And within three minutes into the second half my beliefs were justified in the purest form of logic, that of numbers: Oklahoma State was winning the game 24-7, proving they were indeed the number 2 ranked team in the nation. 

At that point, beliefs were confirmed and hope deferred, making the mind proud and the heart sick.  Circumstances tend to validate emotions quicker than they affirm facts and statistics.   An interception or a fumble and the belief of failure is justified, the hope removed.  But moments later when roles are reversed - a field goal going wide right - so are the expectations, emotions beings as fleeting as consistency. 

As the offensive line combined its counterpart three yards deep into the endzone, Jeff Woody following with both ball and the wills of  the collective mass, the referees shooting their arms straight into the air in an act of final worship, I shouted and hugged and high fived all who were around me in a dumbfounded state of joy.  A subtle irony stirred within my soul as I stood admittedly in disbelief of the victory, while all hope and faith were fulfilled and confirmed by the score and those pouring out of the stands to celebrate. 

***

Faith and doubt stand opposed to each other, waring within us.  Both transcend logic and statistics, circumstances and experiences, with faith being fueled by love and doubt by fear.   If all of us are honest, no matter where we are at in life, or what we claim to believe in, we would all prefer faith and love over doubt and fear.   Some say that perfect love casts out all fear, and some are blessed to know, in the midst of pain and fear and doubt, that such love certainly does exist. 

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Underrated/Overrated - Pt. 2

3. Overrated – Peter (The Disciple) 

Another one with muddled statistics. 

Peter the Disciple has the perfect equation for being overrated, a high SSP with a high MSC.   He gets a 7.4 SWC since being part of the disciple crew, he did all that healing and stuff (maybe not stated explicitly – see Lk 9:1-2, Lk 9:10) and there is of course the “Walking on Water” bit, which with the ironic and iconic “The Denial,” gives Peter a staggering 10.0 SSP, while paradoxically giving him a 9.1 MSC (the “Get Behind Me Satan” clause included).   The contradiction between the much overlooked MSC and the SSP, places Peter the Disciple as one of the more overrated figures in the gospels. 

3. Underrated – Peter (The “Rock” Peter)

Paul is not the most gracious to this man, the church father – as we see in Acts and a later recounting in Galatians – but considering the circumstance, Peter did deserve the criticism.  However, what makes this Peter underrated, is the title that Jesus gives him – “The Rock,” that has been informally given to his contemporary Paul.  The infancy stage of the Church is dependent on Peter’s influence.  People tend to forget the influence such a prophetic title suggests. Peter The Rock, has a pretty high SWC (the beginning of Acts) at 9.2, and an inverse of appreciation with a rather humble 4.4 SSP.  (He does get some recognition for Pentecost.)

2. Overrated – Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego

An inexplicable 9.6 SPP will rate these three men as grossly overrated – and are hurt much in that they do not have their own book, nor are they mentioned in the New Testament.   They also have a controversial 8.8 SWC.  Many are in disagreement whether Walking in the Fire, gives more recognition to the three, the fourth man (probably Jesus), or even Nebacudnezzer.   What solidifies their title of being overrated is that they often overshadow Daniel, the main character of the book that made them famous. (Daniel would be an honorable mention in the underrated category.)

2. Underrated – Luke

This may be a debatable choice, as Luke does not have any traditional, objective statistics to rank him with the others.  But he did pen the two largest and arguably most extensive books in the New Testament, Luke is often misplaced for two reasons: one, his gospel is like the middle child.  Everyone loves Matthew for being the first one in line, Mark for being the shortest, and John for being the most philosophical, Luke is often forgotten… (ignores Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church).  Also, the fact that Luke and Acts are separated into their own books minimizes the great and epic scope of Luke’s writing.  Good one church fathers.  Dropped the ball on that one...   Ya idiots.

1. Overrated – Moses

Bold and controversial choice on many levels I know, and Moses is a statistical enigma. 

He wrote the first five, and what many believe to be, the “most important” books of the Old Testament.  He is mentioned 85 times in the New Testament.  He rates high with a 9.6 SWC – “The Exodus” alone would have sealed the deal, but all the things in the desert only pads the stats.  He does have an ambiguous 6.6 MSC – killing a dude, and the whole You Cannot Enter the Promised Land thing… meh.  And then he has the Hollywood Effect, which gives him a blatant and undisputed 10.0 SPP. 

So what do we do with all that?  Well, unfortunately for Moses there is a group that overrates him tremendously, placing him at number one: The Pharisees. 

1. Underrated – Elijah

Moses’ statistical counterpart. 

Although he may not have authored or been the main subject of any book, he does carry much significance in Kings.  He is also referenced an impressive 28 times in the New Testament.  And with Moses is one of the three seen in The Transfiguration – pretty big deal if you ask me.  Elijah is right there with Moses at a 9.1 SWC, (“The Widow,” “Battle With Baal,” “The Cave,” etc.).  And he does hold the advantage with a relatively low, 3.7 MSC (maybe his heart was slightly impure when he ate the widow’s food…) as well as not dying and being “Lifted Up to Heaven.”  However, despite all this, he has a quite modest 5.3 SPP with no Hollywood movie made about him.  At least not one that anyone remembers.  This makes him the most underrated figure in the Bible… Other than Jesus.  

An Edifying, Educational, Biblical List: Underrated/Overrated - Pt. 1

Top five underrated/overrated people in the Bible.   This is not a complete and comprehensive (some may even argue “holy”) list, but it’s always good to know who is getting too much love, and who’s not getting enough love within the church today. 

Here are a few, completely objective, qualifications/statistics that may be a helpful guide to us.   The statistical features will be calculated on a very specific and scientific scale from 1-10:

1.     Are they named after a book?  Did they write a book?  - Actually contributing to a book in the Bible can be a pretty big deal… Or maybe not…?

2.     .If they are Old Testament figures do they get mentioned in the New  Testament.  – Nothing says ‘value’ like being acknowledged by your biblical “peers.”

3.      Number of signs and wonders completed (or SWC).  – Easy, quantifiable statistic.  And a great standard to see how holy you really are. *Does not count if God does it to them rather than through them.

4.     Any major sin committed (or MSC) – This can be partnered with (3), do we overlook a certain sin, or place too much emphasis on it? 

5.      Sunday school prominence (or SSP)* – If they hold celebrity status in the Sunday school arena, odds are they’re probably overrated.  And if they are not in the familiar graces of kindergartners – then they're probably underrated. 

*Also proportionate to VTA – Veggie Tales Appearances

The list begins: 

5. Overrated – Jonah

Jonah is a classic overrated figure with all the statistics to back it up.  He’s named after a book, he rates a 0.0 SWC (what tends to be overlooked, is that “The Whale” and “The Vine” are all Yahweh), an 8.9 MSC - cowardice and self righteousness, contrasted with a respectable 7.7 SSP.  The only thing that prevents him being higher is that JC does name-drop him – albeit somewhat negatively. 

5. Underrated – Lot

Poor Lot.  More or less a righteous man, who definitely acquired much within a short span, so much so that he had to find his own land apart from his grandfather, - The Patriarch of Patriarchs – Abraham.  Here is where the stats can be misleading:

An 8.5 MSC – Having to be rescued many times, especially from a town called Sodom (I mean really you live in a town called Sodom, what do you expect?), just shows lack of wisdom and discernment.  Oh and sleeping with your daughters isn’t the most prudent either.

BUT this gets countered by a deceptive 8.2 SSP.  All Sunday schools will reference Lot, but the true focus is on his wife.  Jesus agrees (see Luke 17:32).  And he does have an abysmal 0 SWC.

What makes Lot underrated is how we view him.  Lot does not get the sympathy that he deserves as the unlucky schmuck that he is. 

4, Overrated – Job

Similar statistics to Jonah.  Job is the opposite of Lot.  He gets a lot of sympathy and understanding by the media, but does he really deserve it?  I know he may “get it” at the end of his book, but man does he complain a lot before he gets.  He’s not a bad one per say, he’s just ranked way too high on the Sunday School circuit especially when he has a 0 SWC, and is only mentioned in the New Testament by James.  

4. Underrated – Saul

Saul gets the short end of the stick when it comes to reputation.  Trying to kill the greatest king of Israel will always put you on the crap-list and get you a 9.7 MSC.   I argue however, he is a much better scout/coach than king.   The talent – the future king in David, all those amazing warriors, priests, etc. – that will prove itself during the greatest period of Israel, all began under the reign of Saul.  (Some may say this could be traced to Samuel, and I will counter, that yes, they are right.) One can also argue that he is a decent father.  Jonathan turns out pretty well.   

The rest of the list will come tomorrow. 

Guilty Pleasure Part Two: All those single ladies...

Beyoncé  is a true guilty pleasure.  The “pleasure” was birthed when I first heard "Say My Name" (the song is all sorts of awesome).  And the “guilt” reared itself quite dramatically during the eighth grade when my mom was taking two of my friends and me to school.   We only lived maybe a mile and a half from our middle school, so the trip was relatively short but long enough for Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women Pt. I” to come on the air, which was impossible not to sing along with. 

Now I’ll tell you why this is out of place (apart from the obvious), even for an eighth grader who has not really developed any real sense of taste.  In the sixth grade I got Pink Floyd’s The Wall for Christmas.  Listened to it constantly, probably one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten.  At a middle school dance my friend and I got the DJ to play “Wish You Were Here” and smugly watched all of our peers respond in confusion in disgust.  Even as a middle schooler I was a hipster in the making. 

And so when Beyoncé proclaimed “throw your hands up at me” and all I could do was throw my hands up at her, I was a bit surprised at myself but not ashamed.  That was until my friend turned to me and said mockingly, “You know she’s telling that to girls…” 

Here’s how I knew I was truly in the moment, fully enjoying myself and the song, not just being goofy or making of fun it: I had no response.  I sat there with my head down, embarrassed.  I felt like this poor kid. 

After that moment, whenever I would hear a Destiny’s Child song on the radio I would quickly change it to ensure I was keeping my manhood.   And this has been a problem ever since because I really like her songs – they’re pretty catchy, but there’s a large part of her catalogue – especially the singles – that are focused towards the female gender.  (i.e. “Survivor,” “All the Single Ladies,” “Bootylicious”*). 

*The gender exclusivity is debatable on this one.  My body is pretty bootylicious.

Only until recently have I begun to embrace my fandom, and it’s a bit sad because I’m not even like one of those hardcore-closeted fans.  I don’t even have any of her albums on my Itunes.  But if I hear a Beyoncé song on the radio, you bet your bottom dollar I’m cranking that one up and singing my heart out.  I’m really loving 1+ 1 at the moment.

Even if you’re not a fan of her music you have to be – at the very least – impressed at the way she markets herself, or – at the very most – utterly terrified.  I’m convinced that she and Jay-Z are probably one of the most powerful entities in the entire world.  There is not a doubt in my mind they could literally have anyone on this planet killed. 

I know this isn’t Beyoncé, but it’s quite a good cover, and makes me like both her and the song even 

more:

Wuthering Heights...? More like Wuthering Sucks.

I was reminded of my animosity the other night, when it was brought up briefly in discussion.    The mentioning was indeed brief, but it brought back a flood of embittered emotion. Seriously.  This is one of the most overrated, detestable, disturbing pieces of literature I have ever read. 

And I hate it. Yes, I know ‘hate’ is a strong, steroid induced word, but it is the only appropriate, accurate descriptive of my feelings. 

I do not want to suggest anything negative, or imply anything of its author, Miss Emily Bronte – she is a sweet lovely woman, God bless her.   I do not hold her responsible in part due to sound, flawless theology.  James 1:17 states: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”  Therefore, the opposite must be true that everything that is terrible and imperfect (i.e. Wuthering Heights) must come from the gates of Hell, the bowels of Satan.  (But seriously, let's be honest - there's a reason why this is her only novel.)

Here is my brief, torturous history with the book:

I took AP Literature my senior year in high school, and because the class was so extensive we had to read two books during the summer preceding the school year for preparation.  Those two books were Catcher in the Rye and Wuthering Heights.

If you want to garner any affection for a novel, just let a high school male read Catcher in the Rye – it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  They’ll come to class with their homemade, ironical t-shirts saying: “Save Holden Caulfield.”

At the time, and even years after, I believed my first mistake was to have read Sallinger’s novel before Bronte’s.   And then I also believed that my youth and inexperience with “classic” literature, dictated my initial disdain for the latter.   I was not alone for even my classmates – even the girls – did not like it.   But I thought, hey high schoolers are stupid, there has to be something we’re missing.

You know how when you’re young, like five years old and you see your parents always drinking coffee and you think that has to be one amazing drink for them to have so much of it – plus it smells pretty amazing.  So one day you decide to drink it and you realize how disgusting it tastes.  Your parents just sort of laugh at you, cause they have the foresight to know that once you’re older you’re going to be addicted to coffee.   Well Wuthering Heights is NOT like coffee.  It’s like drinking gasoline.  It sounds disgusting when you’re younger, and it sounds even more terrible when you’re older since then you actually know why it’s such a terrible idea to drink gasoline.  (Cause you’ll die.)

So fast forward four years, now a college student, studying literature, really studying it – I’m in a Brit-lit class and Wuthering Heights is on the docket.  I think, great, now with all the tools I have acquired to analyze literature, I will be able to finally fully appreciate this acclaimed piece of the Western canon.   Wrong.  So terribly, terribly wrong.  I read the first two chapters, and I threw the book across the room, to prevent myself from stabbing out my eyes.   If I had a fire place I would have thrown it into the flames and then peed on all its ashes.  

The only thing that I could give the novel credit for is that in some weird, twisted, ironic way, the story is really a commentary about how one should respond to the book itself.   The themes of unrequited love, bitterness, revenge, hatred, jealousy, nature or nurture are the same literal and physical emotions and thoughts you, the reader, will have – not in some philosophical, metaphysical way – but actually towards the book itself.  Brilliant really.  But like evil genius brilliant.  Which in other words just means morally debase and irresponsible.  

There is one flaw in the design of this post, and that is the potential for breeding curiosity.  Do not let this be a temptation to read the book, but let it serve as a fair warning.  I have intentionally refrained from mentioning any plot elements, characters or anything that may tempt one to really read it – my neck is not made for millstones.  If you have to do anything, just read the synopsis on Wikipedia, and have faith that it sucks and know that it will be a waste of your time.  Life is too short and God is too good and loving for our hearts to be filled with bitterness and anger.  Do not read Wuthering Heights.