I was ten years old, laying on my stomach, elbows propped, hands bracing the chin, mesmerizingly witnessing the end of the world. Armageddon. A movie of unabashed testosterone and machismo, and I loved it. Love(d) every heart pounding minute of it.
Here are some plot points to remind you of all its glory and splendor. (Spoiler alert! But I’m sure you all have seen the movie, and if you haven’t this summary will do just as well)
Opens with Charlton Heston. Dirty apes indeed. World is going to get destroyed – just a matter of time. (Dinosaurs sadly agree)
Space craft exploding.
NASA team going crazy, exploding.
Guys on oil rig, Bruce Willis exploding bullets from his shotgun – or what others simply call “shooting.”
A discreet meteor the size of Texas coming to destroy the earth, possibly for revenge
Only solution NASA can come up with: blue collared, fun lovin, shoot from the hip, hard exterior/soft interior, space cowboy oil drillers. USA! USA!
Training is so fun and goofy. What a dysfunctional crew. Could be a light hearted sitcom...
Save for the fact that millions of Parisians die, but it looks really, really cool. (Explosions)
Training ends, they go to space, John Denver, humor and love triumph in the face of adversity.
Another space station explodes.
Two spacecrafts get to the meteor to nuke it, one has landing problems – explodes.
One space ship is lost, the other begins to drill, Billy Bob Thorton is sweaty.
The one that is drilling hits a gas pocket, explodes. MAAAAX!!!
All hope is lost.
Just in the nick of time, the lost space ship is now found, they begin to drill again!
Oh no! More meteors! Explosions! Houston we have a problem.
Bruce Willis decides to take one for the team and detonates the nuke by hand. God bless him.
Aerosmith, Liv Tyler, father-daughter goodbye, tears*
Bruce Willis explodes the meteor as spaceship barely gets into orbit.
The surviving crew returns, walking in slow-motion. Explosion of emotions.
Bruce Willis: really dead the whole time.
So I bet after reading that summary and remembering the actual movie, you’re thinking how can that great piece of entertainment possibly be a source of guilt and not one of pure pleasure? Why? Because I detest the director, Michael Bay. He is a disgrace to story telling, to the film industry, to intelligence and sensibility. And I’ll admit, no I have not seen any installments of the Transformers series, and I never will, but I’m confident in saying they’re terrible movies – even with viewing them as mere, shallow entertainment. (But how can you judge something you never seen? Oh I can and I will. – That topic, I’ll save for another day) But I have seen the rest of his filmography and it is not good. Not one bit.
And yet I love Armageddon. AAH! I do. If it’s on television I have to sit down and watch it. The unapologetic campiness, romantic sap, and a blatant disregard for all science and logic appeals to my ten-year-old self – which is not exactly a compliment – but the ten-year-old in me loves it. I laugh, I cry, I feel the tension, the pride, the fear. The film is a roller coaster of emotions, a shallow, puddle in the parking lot, yellow-tinted-kiddy-pool of emotion.
There is something to be said about a man who is one of the most financially successful directors in the history of film, in that his stories obviously appeal to the inherent heart and soul of man and woman. The masses are not always right and they can be down right foolish, but alas, I am no better. Sometimes you just have to enjoy things for what they are.
Maybe I’ll give Transformers a chance… (Remembers Pearl Harbor, shakes head in disgust)
*As a ten year old I literally cried during this scene:
No comments:
Post a Comment