Santa Claus: And Other Lies I'll Tell My Children

Some day I hope to be a father.  A loving, gentle, warm, mischievous, mustache twisting jerk of a father.  I’ve come to such a conclusion after realizing adults’ quick and casual dismissal of how we portray Santa Claus to children.  Which is just a blatant, blatant lie. 

And such a thing doesn’t really bother me.  It’s for the kids’ own enjoyment.   We lie so they can take pleasure and joy for a handful years – even if it makes them feel betrayed and stupid as an eight year old.  (Or in my case, as a sixteen year old.) 

And I don’t have an “Occupy Santa” mentality.  “Santa you’re taking away the real meaning of Christmas!  It’s supposed to be about Jesus!”  Santa can’t do that, because Santa’s not real.  Hopefully I can be a good enough parent where my kids aren’t worshiping something imaginary…

But anyways I digress.  I realized that if it’s socially acceptable for me to lie to my kids about Santa Claus, then that really opens up the flood gates.  Here are a few ideas I have, feel free to use them too, and add on accordingly. 

In addition to the Christmas deception of Santa, I want to dress up in a bloodied Santa suit, and begin weeping by the Christmas tree.  Only to have my children see me, and in between sobs I’ll cry, “They’re dead.  All the reindeer are dead.”   The next morning we’ll open presents like nothing ever happened. 

I want to tell my biological kids that they’re adopted, and if I ever have adopted kids, tell them that they’re my biological kids.  And I’ll also throw in my own “adoption” (or not-adoption) story to make it even more confusing.  “Yeah Thomas, you’re adopted.  No, Zechariah you’re not adopted.  Er wait... no that’s me.  I’m not adopted.  Or am I?  Dang it.  Whatever, we’ll figure it out later.”

I’ll randomly reference a sibling they never had…

[Eating at the dinner table] “Oh your sister Susan loved green beans.”

[Taking pictures at prom night] “I remember Susan’s prom night.  She wore that same dress.”

[Yelling at them during sporting events] “Susan wouldn’t have struck out three times in a row!” [Then I’ll whisper to my wife, loud enough for the other parents to hear] “This kid’s the worst one yet…”

I’ll them that The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings were written between Malachi and Matthew, but were left out of the canon during the Reformation (the one thing Luther got wrong) (Well, he also excluded the Revelation of Bartholomew – or what others call Star Wars.)

Simple ones that I’ll use to justify any and all actions:

“I never had a cell phone growing up!  You don’t need one either.”

(When I realize I can’t help them with any math that goes beyond simple algebra) 

“Don’t worry about it, math is fake anyways.”

“The only way to get by in this world is to be a professional athlete.”

“Don’t tell the others but… you’re my favorite.”

“If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”

This one’s the most realistic, and arguably the easiest to pull off and maintain: I want to have a photo album for every year of their lives except for age 2.  I imagine the dialogue as such:

“Hey dad, why don’t we have a photo album of me when I was two?” 

“Huh?”

“The photo album of me when I was two.  Where is it?  We have all the other ones.”

“We do.  It’s in there somewhere.”

“No we don’t.  I’ve looked everywhere.”

[And then I’ll get really serious and look them dead in the eye] “We don’t talk about that year.”

“What do you mean?  What happened?”

“Nothing.”

(Skip ahead fifty years later, when I’m on my deathbed.)

“Come closer my son.  I want to tell you something.”

“What is it pops?  Do you need me to get you anything?  Are you comfortable?”

“No, no.  Nothing like that.  You know that missing photo album?  The one when you were two?”

“Yeah?”

“You want to know, what happened that year, and why we don’t have it?”

“Yes.  Dad, I’ve wanted to know my whole life.”

“Nothing happened, we just never took pictures that year.  I just wanted to mess with you.”

(Nurse walks into room)

Nurse: “Is your father doing ok?  Is he coughing?’

“No he’s not coughing.  He’s laughing…  Bastard.”

It’s going to take a while for me to find a wife if we have to be like-minded… Lame. 

 ***

To redeem this post – is this the way we think of God our Father?  (Hopefully not to such an absurd extreme)  But do we ever think that God is holding out on us, that he’s just one big schemer.  I know I can be guilty at misperceiving how good my Father is, that at times I forget that He really does have my best interest at heart.  God is good, he wants to bless his children, not confound or frustrate them. 

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.  Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” – Colossians 3:20-21. 

Vegetarian no longer.

(Ingredients for some vegetarian chili)

My month as a vegetarian is complete.  About a week ago, I told the Adertons that on Christmas morning I would wake up and cook myself a pound of bacon.  And then I realized that would immediately defeat the reasoning and principles of the month preceding.   I did have bacon on Christmas morning, only thee slices.  My first meat in a month wasn’t exactly euphoric; it was not the walking-down-the-escalator-from-the-airport-terminal reunion as I had anticipated.  It was just seeing an old friend, catching up where we left off.

“Oh hey bacon, it’s been a while. “

‘Same to you Jake.  How’s it been?”

“Pretty good, just back for Christmas.”

“Yeah, merry Christmas.  You catch the Dallas game yesterday?”

“Yeah pretty disappointing.”

“Hey Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes bacon, you can ask me a question.”

“Do you uh, do you still like me?’

“Yeah bacon.  I do.”

“Good.  I like you too.”

(Bacon can’t really talk)

Here’s a quick overview of the month – goals, expectations, surprises and the whatnot.

1.     It was a lot easier to do than I expected.

2.     My cooking habits did not change as dramatically as I hoped – I did make some new things, and variations of old things.  I learned however, that my cooking is more dictated by time, money, and motivation rather than by diet.

3.     I never did get a regular poop cycle going.

4.     I only lost five pounds, which was my biggest reservation – I can’t afford to lose weight, for various reasons…  (most important being: wardrobe)

5.     It was really fun to talk to people about it, you find out how important food is to everyone. 

6.     Which also showed me how ridiculous the amount of time I spend thinking about food.  It’s a lot.  I get pretty excited about food. 

7.     I like fruits more than I like vegetables.

8.     I don’t “get” celery.

9.     I think I only ate out twice, and saved some cash.  Restaurants (especially fast food) like meats.

10.  Hopefully the past month will permanently diversify my eating habits.  We shall see.

I would definitely recommend being a month-long vegetarian to anyone.  It may change your life, it may not.  But it's interesting.  

A video about food and being healthy.  And diabetes. 

When Jesus Drops the Mic

You know those moments when you’re reading the gospels, and Jesus does or says something that leaves you thinking, “Are you serious?  Did that just happen?”   Even with 2,000 some odd years of history, culture, expectations, sermons and teachings, we are still blown away by Jesus.  He's such a B.A.  (A loving B.A.)  Here are some of my favorite “Ohnohedi’int” moments:

1. John 7:39-46

ESV Heading: You Are of Your Father The Devil

Or Rather: Pharisees Get Satan-slapped

The Set Up:

“Duh Jesus, you big goof, we’re the Pharisees – we follow Abraham! …and maybe even God.  Well… probably God.  We do follow God. Yeah, for sure.”

The Drop:

“You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires.  He was a murderer from the beginning, and he has nothing to do with the truth because there is no truth in him.  When he lies, he speaks out of his own character for he is a liar and the father of lies.  But because I tell you the truth, you do not believe me.  Which one of you convicts me of sin?  If I tell the truth, why do you not believe me?  Whoever is of God hears the words of God.  The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God.”

The Reaction:

Oh Snap!  Jesus what THE HECK!  Dude.  It’s like if I went up to Mark Driscoll or John Piper and said “Hey, your father is the devil! (Which would not be true)  That takes some big ones.   Being a Pharisee is like a life long occupation too, and Jesus essentially told them their lives up to that point had been one huge self-deceptive lie.  Talk about a day-maker.

2. Mark 2:1-12

ESV Heading: Jesus Heals a Paralytic

Or Rather: Walkin the Talk: Too Legit to Quit. 

The Set Up:

“Hey man, sorry I’m late.  What have I missed?”

“Oh dude, he’s just been healin people.  So sick.”

“Ha.  Good pun.”  (They look on curiously)

“Dude what’s goin on, look someone’s comin’ in from the roof!”

“They just destroyed his roof!”

“Oh man I’d be so pissed.”

“Is that guy paralyzed?”

“Ah yeah, I bet he’s gonna heal him.”

Jesus: “Son, your sins are forgiven.” 

“That’s not a healing…”

“Can he say that?  He can’t say that can he?”

“That can’t be legal.”

The Drop:

“Why do you question these things in your hearts?  Which is easier, to say to the paralytic ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise, take up your bed and walk’?  But that may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins” – [looks to paralytic] – “I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home.”

The Reaction:

BAAAA!  Classic Jesus.  No analogy is perfect by any means, so forgive any sacrilege by making such a reference.  But this scene is Shrugworthy:

                                        (Michael Jordan is not like Jesus.  Save for the fact that they're 

                                                        both really good at basketball)

Pharisees and scribes are like poor Cliff Robinson.  Oh, forgiving sins?  Healing people?  Eh,  *shrugs* I can only do what I see my Father doing. Count it!

 

3. Luke 4:16-30

ESV Heading: Jesus Rejected at Nazareth

Or Rather: Ya’ll Wanna Hear a Prophesy?  I said, DO YA’LL WANNA HEAR A PROPHESAY!

The Set Up:

“Does anyone else have anything they would like to say to the congregation?  Any prayer requests or community updates?  Margaret, I know we’re having that bake sale Tuesday night is that correct?  Oh Jesus, you’d like to share something?”

The Drop:

(Jesus quoting Isaiah): “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  (Rolls up scroll, gives it back to the attendant, which is the first century, literal equivalent of a mic-drop) “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

The Reaction:

This guy’s crazy, and I like it.  I love the reaction of the congregation: “And the of all in the synagogue were fixed on him”  “And all spoke well of him and marveled”  “When they heard these things, all in the synagogue were filled with wrath.”  This is like the epitome of the religious double take.  “Oh yeah, good reading Jesus.  Very timely word.  Wait.  What?  What did you just say?  You cannot say that!”  Oh yes.  He’s droppin hot truth.

Man.  I’d follow this guy. 

(Editor's Note: For more see Matthew 5-7 - "Droppin it From The Mount" A Greatest Hits Collection) 

An Identity Crisis

Brothers and sisters those who know and pursue the love of Christ, who look to imitate his actions, and learn from his words… I have a question, with the answer possibly being a bit blasphemous.  We’ll see how it goes...  

The question is:

Are we sinners?  Are you a sinner?  Am I a sinner?

Is this a trick question?  Yes…?  (shifts eyes suspiciously)

“I am a sinner.” 

This phrase gets used quite a bit among us.  It’s used when we share our testimonies, when we talk with those who do not share in our hope, establishing that we are all in need of the grace and mercy provided by Jesus, his death, and resurrection.  We use it as an empathetic encouragement for those who are struggling with a specific sin. 

There is a problem with this statement.  It is not truth. 

Uh… blasphemy…?

What did the blood of Christ purchase if not a new identity, if not a relationship where we are righteous and inheritors of a loving promise?  That we are now sons and daughters, and are no longer slaves to sin.  Does Jesus not say that we need to be born again?

Well right.

I’m not one to dabble in semantics, so I do think that what people are trying to say when they admit that they are “sinners” is the fact that they were sinners, and at times they do, indeed, still sin, and that fact only illuminates the amazing power of God’s love and mercy.

Was I a sinner? 

Yes.  “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23

Do I (still) sin?

Yes. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” – 1 John 1:8

But am I a sinner? 

No.  “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receive the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry ‘Abba! Father!’  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.” – Romans 8:14-16

We need to make sure we are communicating a right view of ourselves, a right view of God, and a right view of the sacrifice of Christ.  The unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God, but we are now righteous – so why classify ourselves as something that we are no longer? 

But we still sin.  Sometimes a lot.  And pretty much every day.

Yeah we do, and we probably will sin every day for the rest of our lives.  (Although I don’t want to speak that over anyone as Jesus believes it possible for us to be perfect – Matthew 5:48).  But the act of sinning does not define identity – as we are now redeemed.  I sin but am not a sinner in the same sense that I can throw a football and play catch with my brother, but am not a professional football player.  (Despite popular belief)  There are more accurate and consistent ways to describe me based on how I live my life and what my passions are. 

The shift in my identity from sinner to son, an heir with Christ, was purchased with quite a high cost.  Even though we have decent intentions when we admit, “I am a sinner,” the payment of the life of Jesus seems pretty substantial for us to claim righteousness and not sin. 

I think the owner of the Los Angeles Angels would not be the most excited if Albert Pujols still called himself a St. Louis Cardinal.  “Hey Albert, uh remember that time when we paid you 250 million dollars…?”

I don’t want to condemn or call anyone a heretic if they ever refer to themselves as a sinner, because again I think I understand the heart and intent behind the statement.  And I don't want to dilute the impact of sin, and therefore strip away the power of God's grace.  But I hope this can be an enlightening way to affirm the truth of salvation rather than the falsehood of condemnation.  Maybe we are still trapped in reoccurring sin, maybe we don’t repent or confess as easily as we could because we are too quick to assume the identity of sinner.  Instead of that phrase reflecting the grace and mercy of God, the term ‘sinner’ becomes accusatory and self-deprecating, a self-fulfilling prophecy that looks to enslave rather than to free. 

How do we describe ourselves to others?  If we’re claiming the title of sinner more than son or daughter of God, than something may be skewed with the way we view our relationship with God.  In case some of you did not know, I was adopted from South Korea by two wonderful, loving parents.  As in America, they give names to babies in Korea.  So I had a Korean name… don’t ask me what it is, cause I can never remember it.  Why?  Because it hasn’t been my name for 22 and a half years.  I call myself by the name my parents gave me.  The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus gives us a new life, a new identity, a new name.  And this fact makes me want to follow and love God all the more. 

“As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” – Psalm 103:12-13

Music of 2011: The Favorites

Here is a short list of my favorite albums of 2011. 

Honorable Mentions:

Undun by The Roots,

Dye It Blonde by The Smith Westerns

Let England Shake by PJ Harvey

w h o k i l l by tUnE-yArDs

The Top 5:

5. The King is Dead by The Decemberists

Good country, folky, Americana music.  The album’s early release solidifies it as my most played for the year.  Although more simple and focused than Hazards of Love, it does not have the story telling and lyricism of their first three albums.  They know what they’re going for though, and the album has its fair share of great, sing-along hooks.

"Rox in the Box"

4.  Bon Iver by Bon Iver

I wasn’t sure what to make of this album on my first listen or even the tenth time through.  It’s an album the grows and reveals itself more upon each listen. Synth-heavy, with a much more slick and intricate production contrasts the minimal brilliance of their debut.  Although I would favor For Emma as a whole, Bon Iver brings some pretty amazing tracks (“Perth,” “Holocene,” “Calgary”) that are – as of now – highlights of Vernon both as musician and lyricist. 

"Calgary"

3. Metals by Feist

Feist provides an album that shows her diversifying the things that she does well.  Sultry, bluesy, and at times rollicking, the summation is a slow burn of personal and self-reflective thoughts on love loss.  She has the smarts to not buy into poppy hooks and simplistic romanticism, but at the same time showcases her melodic and harmonic capabilities that promote listen after listen.

"How Come You Never Go There"

2. House of Balloons/Thursday by The Weeknd

An R&B, hip-hop singer in the same vein as Drake (but much better), brings the world of the party to us,  but - as Kanye did on MBDATF - shows us that the party is not really glitz and glamour, but dark, seedy, and lonely.  His falsetto provides an appropriate vehicle for taking us into a surreal, dreamlike journey into the nightlife.  I’m not huge on this genre (I really do not get Drake) but these two albums are unlike anything I’ve heard, and they hold a seductive quality that makes one return, as to a party they know they should not enter. 

"Wicked Games"

1. All Eternals Deck by The Mountain Goats

John Darnielle gives us some pretty profound images and glimpses of life.  Showing us the simple joys, yearning regrets, and unrealized passions, the album plays out as a metaphysical insight into both who we are and who we could be.  Like his preceding album, Darnielle relies on everyday scenarios, coupled with biblical references, developing stories that are enlightening and at times heart breaking.  This album has my favorite song for the year, a song that parallels the progression/evolution of mankind with the more personal reflection of our own lives. 

"Sourdoire Valley"

Here’s my 2011 mixtape, some favorites I’ll recommend for additional listening.  In no particular order:

1. The Other Side – The Roots

2. Midnight City – M83

3. 1+1 – Beyonce

4. Weekend – Smith Westerns

5. Go Ahead – The Rosebuds

6. My Baby’s Arms – Kurt Vile

7. Go Outside – Cults

8. Bizness – tUnE-yArDs

9. East Harlem - Beirut

10. Video Game – Lana Del Rey

11. Mind Eraser – The Black Keys

12. Limit to Your Love – James Blake

13. Words That Maketh Murder – PJ Harvey

14. Why I Love You – Jay-Z and Kanye West

Tim Tebow and the Miracles

“Now this I know: the Lord gives victory to his anointed.  He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand.” – Psalm 20:6

Is the success of Tim Tebow the real life version of Angels in the Outfield?   Is God a Denver Bronco’s fan?  (Last week proves to me that God, and rightly so, is at least not a Bears fan.)  Does God even care about football? 

How we judge the success of Tebow tells a lot about how we judge the relationship that we have with God.  I’ve been hearing quite a few commentators, whenever Tebow and his faith are mentioned, argue (often in defense of Tebow) as such:

Tebow is good for the NFL.  He’s a dynamic player who is upfront about his faith.  He’s not shoving it down anyone’s throat. (True.)  It should be refreshing that someone is standing for what they believe in and actually living it out. (True.)  And God has more on his plate than a football game, I assure you.  (Really?)

This final statement gets expressed in various ways but it implies the same notion that God does not waste his time on trivial matters like a mere football game.  

If we believe God to be all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present, and all-loving then such a sentiment is false.  If we can agree that there is no thing too big for God, then the opposite must be true, there is no thing too small for God.  “You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from a far.  You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.  Even before a word is on my tongue, behold O Lord, you know it altogether.” – Psalm 139:2-4

What we should remember is not only that God is sovereign but he is also a loving Father.  He delights in his children, and takes joy in what they do.   I’m sure God loves that his son, Tim Tebow, is enjoying himself in playing football, and God gets even more delight in seeing that Tim directs the glory back to Him.  “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

So is God constructing a divine victory for Tebow and the Broncos?  Did an unseen angel run behind Marion Barber, gliding him to the sideline, or maybe it reached out a fiery wing and punched the ball out, causing him to fumble?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  But I do know that no responsible or loving parent would race out to the middle of a basketball court, push their kid down in the middle of a free throw attempt and say, “I’m going to take this shot for you, just to make sure you win.”  Although I’ve never met him, I can call Tim Tebow my brother, and I hope he keeps winning.  Cause the more he wins, the more people talk about him, and the more people talk about him, the more they’re going to be talking about the Father.

Many claim that all Tim Tebow does is win, but the victory we know has already been won, and that in Christ:

“The sting of death

is sin

and the power of sin

is the law.

But thanks be to God

Who gives us Victory

through our Lord

Jesus Christ.

Therefore

My Beloved Brothers,

be Steadfast

Immovable

Always (always)

Abounding

in the work

of the Lord

Knowing,

that in Him,

your labor

Is not in vain.”

The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh Away

I am a man.  And I am competitive.  Redundant?  Possibly.  Football is so magnificent because it allows an individual to participate on two levels*:  that as a fan – one can compete vicariously through their team, or more directly (relatively speaking) as a fantasy owner – which provides a pseudo-sense of responsibility. 

*Both are utterly absurd.

But last night was the conflict that every fantasy owner dreads, and that is the tension between your fantasy team and the team of your fanhood. 

The Scenario: 

Fantasy Playoffs – First Round (Win or Go Home…) (Except you’ll be home even if you win, cause this isn’t really real, but it is real.  Sort of.)  (Regardless, this was very important) (Not really).

When the second set of games finished, I was losing to my opponent 94-90 with one more, HUGE game to play:  Cowboys (my favorite team) vs. Giants.  Here was the fantasy breakdown -

I had left to play:                                                                        My Opponent:

Tony Romo (Dallas)                                                                 Victor Cruz (New York)

Dez Bryant (Dallas)                                                                  Hakeem Nicks (New York)

                                                                                                        Laurent Robinson (Dallas)

My emotional discourse was to be directed as such, cheer against Cruz and Nicks: done and done.  Good for fantasy, good for fanhood.  Cheer against Robinson.  Uh… bad for fanhood.  (Sheepishly) good for fantasy… (cries a little).

So down by 4 crucial points with these five players left – inspired by Tebow – I prayed a foolish, impulsive, Jephthahian prayer, “O Lord grant me a fantasy victory this evening! And if it be your will let the Cowboys, your team of teams, also win.” 

First Quarter:

Hakeem Nicks has 94 yards!?! Already!?! Ugh.  And Giants are winning 5-0. 

Tony Romo scores! And it’s not Laurent Robinson.  Awesome!

Second Quarter:

Brandon Jacobs scores! Go Giants running game, go!  Oh… Cowboys are losing. That’s bad isn’t it?

Romo scores again… but it’s to Laur. Rent. Rob. In. Son.  (Heart rips in half.)

Begins the official Brandon Jacobs’ Fan Club.

Third Quarter:

Why is Hakeem Nicks still catching balls?

Wait, I think Manning just realized Victor Cruz is also on his team…

(Between ambivalent sobs) Thank you, Mario Manningham. 

Giants are ahead.  And my fantasy team is losing.  Down by 6.

Dez.  You still have zero points.  

Fourth Quarter:

YUP.  74 YARD PASS TO ROBINSON.  “Jake, are you being sarcastic?” “I… I don’t know anymore…”

Romo to Austin! Boom.  Cowboys are ahead and I’m getting closer to a fantasy come-back. 

Victor Cruz.  Stop.

Dez Bryant scores!  Jake AND the Cowboys go ahead!!  All is right with the world…

Three minutes left.

Manning marches down the field.  Scores.  Eh. Whatever.

Incomplete pass to wide open Miles Austin.  That’s not good…

Yuuuup.  Giants score, again. 

We’re dead. 

“Don’t worry!  We found a doctor, he knows CPR.”  (Oh thank God, everything will be fine.)

…

“That is NOT how you do CPR!  Are you even a doctor?”

“Sometimes I watch House.”

“Get out.”

Final Verdict: Jake gets fantasy victory, but at what cost…?  The Lord doth answereth…

(An analysis of Psalm 20:6 to come)

Pooping. And the nature of God.

I was going to write about my first two weeks of being a vegetarian, and discuss the ease of completely cutting meat out of my diet (which has been quite surprising) and then also the few difficulties that have come with it (just last night I enviously watched my friends eat BLT’s) and the most surprising difficulty: that of pooping.*

*I thought being a vegetarian would keep me “regular” but it’s been the exact opposite.   Sometimes it takes a couple days to force something out, other times I’ll average 1.96 poops per day, which is a drastic shift from my omnivorous .78 PPD.   My body is just confused. (As is my mind.)

This line of thought took me somewhere much more existential and theological than I had anticipated.  I had to ask: God, why poop?  What was the reason in that design?  Why have it be so disgusting?  So smelly?  So messy?  And then it took me even deeper and more practical.  Did Jesus like pooping?  Did Jesus ever have diarrhea?  Did he have really big, painful poops?  Did he have to wipe?

You may be asking, are these valid, edifying questions?  And the answer is: of course.  Watch this logic – we use moments, situations, relationships, circumstances as ways to illuminate the nature and love of God.  For example, marriage is meant to show us the relationship between Christ and the Church or the relationship with our parents can be comparable to the relationship that God the Father has towards us, his children.  Therefore, it’s only appropriate to ask, what does pooping tell us about God? 

Whenever we ask ourselves a question like this, the best and first thing we should do is look to scripture.  Here’s what I found: “Designate a place outside the camp where you can go [poop].  As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you [poop], dig a hole and cover up your [poop].  For the Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you.  Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.” – Deuteronomy 23:12-14. 

There’s a lot to unpack in these verses, and it may be difficult to find a direct take home application now that the blood of Christ has purchased both sins and toilets.  I went and opened up Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology.  As extensive and in depth as Grudem’s book claims to be, there was no chapter on poop, nor was the topic even referenced in the index.  Disappointing to say the least (I’m not alone on this, as John Piper’s review shares similar sentiments.)*

*“Grudem does an admirable and intelligent work in explaining faith-practical topics such as the Trinity, the Omnipresence of God, the authority of Scripture and so forth.  He however, does not address the theological implications of poop and the process thereof.  Unfortunate, disappointing, and irresponsible.  Do not buy this book.” – John Piper**

**Not real.

After much meditation, I concluded:  Poop in moderation, funny and edifying.  Too much poop: disgusting, possibly sinful.

For the first point a hypothetical experience will point us towards truth.  Imagine corporate prayer time, and in the middle of interceding someone farts.  Laughter will, one hundred percent of the time, occur.  This is also why Adam Sandler  and the Farrelly Brothers movies are so successful.  People like poop jokes. 

For the second, I’ll provide a more personal example.  Sometimes during the worship set, when I’m at church – because of the anonymity and safety of the loud music – I will fart.  No one hears it, which is good. And most of the time it doesn’t smell, and even if it does, if I play it right (acting as confused and disgusted as those around me) I can play it off on someone else.  Now let’s say the person next to me hears it and/or smells it, they’ll start laughing and I’ll start laughing, and it’ll be funny.  And then maybe he farts too and that’s even funnier and we both start laughing.  But then this is a rapid and destructive example of diminishing marginal return.  Think if EVERYONE farted during worship. Mass chaos.  I don’t even want to imagine it.

You know when after you poop, and you spray an aerosol freshener in the bathroom to try to make the room smell nice, but all it really does is just produce a stale rotten fruit smell, in addition to your poop smell?  Well this is what it’s like with farts.  One fart doesn’t merely cover up the other, they create a synergistic fusion, becoming this conglomerate mass of poop stench.  (I don’t know the scientific particulars behind it, I think it has something to do with electrons).  That many farts in the sanctuary = not a good thing.

That’s why God says go outside the camp to do your business.  If one prankster is the serial pooper of Israel, haha it’s funny.  “Oh Martha come here and look!  Jerry pooped outside our tent last night.  Ha! That little rascal.”  But if ALL of Israel pooped within the camp?  That’s a biblical plague.  (Egyptians sadly agree.)

So what does poop tell us about God?  He has a sense of humor, but one of moderation.  Love God, love people, poop enough  but not too often.