I am a man. And I am competitive. Redundant? Possibly. Football is so magnificent because it allows an individual to participate on two levels*: that as a fan – one can compete vicariously through their team, or more directly (relatively speaking) as a fantasy owner – which provides a pseudo-sense of responsibility.
*Both are utterly absurd.
But last night was the conflict that every fantasy owner dreads, and that is the tension between your fantasy team and the team of your fanhood.
The Scenario:
Fantasy Playoffs – First Round (Win or Go Home…) (Except you’ll be home even if you win, cause this isn’t really real, but it is real. Sort of.) (Regardless, this was very important) (Not really).
When the second set of games finished, I was losing to my opponent 94-90 with one more, HUGE game to play: Cowboys (my favorite team) vs. Giants. Here was the fantasy breakdown -
I had left to play: My Opponent:
Tony Romo (Dallas) Victor Cruz (New York)
Dez Bryant (Dallas) Hakeem Nicks (New York)
Laurent Robinson (Dallas)
My emotional discourse was to be directed as such, cheer against Cruz and Nicks: done and done. Good for fantasy, good for fanhood. Cheer against Robinson. Uh… bad for fanhood. (Sheepishly) good for fantasy… (cries a little).
So down by 4 crucial points with these five players left – inspired by Tebow – I prayed a foolish, impulsive, Jephthahian prayer, “O Lord grant me a fantasy victory this evening! And if it be your will let the Cowboys, your team of teams, also win.”
First Quarter:
Hakeem Nicks has 94 yards!?! Already!?! Ugh. And Giants are winning 5-0.
Tony Romo scores! And it’s not Laurent Robinson. Awesome!
Second Quarter:
Brandon Jacobs scores! Go Giants running game, go! Oh… Cowboys are losing. That’s bad isn’t it?
Romo scores again… but it’s to Laur. Rent. Rob. In. Son. (Heart rips in half.)
Begins the official Brandon Jacobs’ Fan Club.
Third Quarter:
Why is Hakeem Nicks still catching balls?
Wait, I think Manning just realized Victor Cruz is also on his team…
(Between ambivalent sobs) Thank you, Mario Manningham.
Giants are ahead. And my fantasy team is losing. Down by 6.
Dez. You still have zero points.
Fourth Quarter:
YUP. 74 YARD PASS TO ROBINSON. “Jake, are you being sarcastic?” “I… I don’t know anymore…”
Romo to Austin! Boom. Cowboys are ahead and I’m getting closer to a fantasy come-back.
Victor Cruz. Stop.
Dez Bryant scores! Jake AND the Cowboys go ahead!! All is right with the world…
Three minutes left.
Manning marches down the field. Scores. Eh. Whatever.
Incomplete pass to wide open Miles Austin. That’s not good…
Yuuuup. Giants score, again.
We’re dead.
“Don’t worry! We found a doctor, he knows CPR.” (Oh thank God, everything will be fine.)
…
“That is NOT how you do CPR! Are you even a doctor?”
“Sometimes I watch House.”
“Get out.”
Final Verdict: Jake gets fantasy victory, but at what cost…? The Lord doth answereth…
(An analysis of Psalm 20:6 to come)
No comments:
Post a Comment