Some day I hope to be a father. A loving, gentle, warm, mischievous, mustache twisting jerk of a father. I’ve come to such a conclusion after realizing adults’ quick and casual dismissal of how we portray Santa Claus to children. Which is just a blatant, blatant lie.
And such a thing doesn’t really bother me. It’s for the kids’ own enjoyment. We lie so they can take pleasure and joy for a handful years – even if it makes them feel betrayed and stupid as an eight year old. (Or in my case, as a sixteen year old.)
And I don’t have an “Occupy Santa” mentality. “Santa you’re taking away the real meaning of Christmas! It’s supposed to be about Jesus!” Santa can’t do that, because Santa’s not real. Hopefully I can be a good enough parent where my kids aren’t worshiping something imaginary…
But anyways I digress. I realized that if it’s socially acceptable for me to lie to my kids about Santa Claus, then that really opens up the flood gates. Here are a few ideas I have, feel free to use them too, and add on accordingly.
In addition to the Christmas deception of Santa, I want to dress up in a bloodied Santa suit, and begin weeping by the Christmas tree. Only to have my children see me, and in between sobs I’ll cry, “They’re dead. All the reindeer are dead.” The next morning we’ll open presents like nothing ever happened.
I want to tell my biological kids that they’re adopted, and if I ever have adopted kids, tell them that they’re my biological kids. And I’ll also throw in my own “adoption” (or not-adoption) story to make it even more confusing. “Yeah Thomas, you’re adopted. No, Zechariah you’re not adopted. Er wait... no that’s me. I’m not adopted. Or am I? Dang it. Whatever, we’ll figure it out later.”
I’ll randomly reference a sibling they never had…
[Eating at the dinner table] “Oh your sister Susan loved green beans.”
[Taking pictures at prom night] “I remember Susan’s prom night. She wore that same dress.”
[Yelling at them during sporting events] “Susan wouldn’t have struck out three times in a row!” [Then I’ll whisper to my wife, loud enough for the other parents to hear] “This kid’s the worst one yet…”
I’ll them that The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings were written between Malachi and Matthew, but were left out of the canon during the Reformation (the one thing Luther got wrong) (Well, he also excluded the Revelation of Bartholomew – or what others call Star Wars.)
Simple ones that I’ll use to justify any and all actions:
“I never had a cell phone growing up! You don’t need one either.”
(When I realize I can’t help them with any math that goes beyond simple algebra)
“Don’t worry about it, math is fake anyways.”
“The only way to get by in this world is to be a professional athlete.”
“Don’t tell the others but… you’re my favorite.”
“If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.”
This one’s the most realistic, and arguably the easiest to pull off and maintain: I want to have a photo album for every year of their lives except for age 2. I imagine the dialogue as such:
“Hey dad, why don’t we have a photo album of me when I was two?”
“Huh?”
“The photo album of me when I was two. Where is it? We have all the other ones.”
“We do. It’s in there somewhere.”
“No we don’t. I’ve looked everywhere.”
[And then I’ll get really serious and look them dead in the eye] “We don’t talk about that year.”
“What do you mean? What happened?”
“Nothing.”
(Skip ahead fifty years later, when I’m on my deathbed.)
“Come closer my son. I want to tell you something.”
“What is it pops? Do you need me to get you anything? Are you comfortable?”
“No, no. Nothing like that. You know that missing photo album? The one when you were two?”
“Yeah?”
“You want to know, what happened that year, and why we don’t have it?”
“Yes. Dad, I’ve wanted to know my whole life.”
“Nothing happened, we just never took pictures that year. I just wanted to mess with you.”
(Nurse walks into room)
Nurse: “Is your father doing ok? Is he coughing?’
“No he’s not coughing. He’s laughing… Bastard.”
It’s going to take a while for me to find a wife if we have to be like-minded… Lame.
To redeem this post – is this the way we think of God our Father? (Hopefully not to such an absurd extreme) But do we ever think that God is holding out on us, that he’s just one big schemer. I know I can be guilty at misperceiving how good my Father is, that at times I forget that He really does have my best interest at heart. God is good, he wants to bless his children, not confound or frustrate them.
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” – Colossians 3:20-21.
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