If I was in the Bible...

I was reminded this week of the temple and the Holy of Holies and how only the High Priest could enter that room and only once a year for the atonement of the people of Israel.  The punishment for entering the Holy of Holies was death.  And I thought, thank you God that I was not a first century, Palestine Jew.  I’m a notorious bluff caller, and curiosity has killed my cat more than a few times. 

This also made me think of other Biblical characters and scenarios that would not bode well for me.  Here’s some moments taken from Genesis:

Scene 1:

God: Ok Jake, you can eat from any tree in the garden.  Except for that one.

Jake [with a mouthful of Tree of Life fruit, juice spittle runs down chin]: Uh... which tree…?

God: Get out. 

Scene 2:

[Jake and his family are running across the plain, fire and sulfur rain down behind them]

Angel [Voice over]: Escape for your life, do not look back or stop anywhere in the valley.

Jake [inner monologue, breathing hard]:  Ah man, I bet it looks super cool.  Dang it, I really wanna look.   Who can be my guinea pig…

Jake [Verbally speaking, still running]:  Hey Margaret! [inhales]  Did we uh- [inhales] shut the garage door?

Margaret: Huh?  I don’t know! [begins to turn head] I don’t think s- [Margaret is no longer, but now a pillar of salt in her place]

Jake [still running]: Oh… shoot…

Scene 3:

Isaac: Where are we going dad?

Jake [not making eye contact, mumbling]: Overtherebythattree.

Isaac: But we don’t got nothin to sacrifice.

Jake: Just stand over there. 

Isaac: On the altar?

Jake: Yeah.  Just uh… Close your eyes…

[Picks up axe, and raises it above his head.  A rustling from the bushes is overheard.  A ram emerges]

Isaac: Dad look a ram!

Jake: Oh, praise God!  [He brings the axe down, Isaac screams]

Isaac: Aaah! My arm!  You cut off my arm!

Jake: Oh… Sarah’s not going to be happy about this one…

Scene 4:

[Darkness]

Announcer: The Challenger, weighing in at a stout one-fifty.  The Deceiving Deceiver, the Crazy Israeli, JAAAAAACOB!

[The fireworks explode, as “Rock Me Like a Hurricane” begins to play.  Jake races out from the tunnel, and slides into the ring.  God awaits him, with a face-punch.  They begin to grapple.]

[God, pushes him off, and throws Jake into the ropes.  Jake ducks under an impending clothesline, repels off the ropes and gives God a hefty drop-kick.  The crowd boo’s] 

[Jake works on the shoulder, and throws God into the turnbuckle.  He races towards him and launches his full body.  At the last second God moves out of the way.  Jake is hurt and caught in the corner.]

[God lands a chest slap.  The crowd winces.  Jake is feeling it.  Another slap.  Jake yells.  Another slap!] 

[God pulls him out of the corner and throws him to the ropes once more.  Jake repels off, and God flips him over his back, Jake lands hard on the canvas.  God picks up his limp body and throws Jake over the ropes.  He lands outside of the ring.]

[Holy Spirit begins to distract the referee, and God jumps over the ropes and flips hard onto Jake as he tries to get back on his feet.  The crowd cheers.]

[The referee is still distracted, and God pulls out a steel, folding chair from under the ring.  Jake gets up once more, but God is there to meet him with a chair-shot to the head.  Jake collapses, and God throws his limp body into the ring. ]

[The Holy Spirit steps back, and the match resumes.  God motions to the crowd, putting his hand to his ear, creating an uproar.  He moves across the ring, rope-to-rope, gaining speed and momentum, and then lands a massive leg drop on Jake.  The crowd is going wild.  God rolls over for the pin.  The referee slaps the mat.]

Crowd: One! Two! Three!  [They explode in exultation.  “Real American” begins to play.]

Scene 5:

[Jake and his eleven brothers are playing basketball.  Levi pulls up to shoot and gets blocked by Jake, quite authoritatively]

Jake: Get that weak sauce out of my house! 

Levi: What the heck!  We’re playing knock-out!

Reuben: You’re ruining the game!

Jake: Ya’ll just suck.  I’m the best!

Dan: Seriously.  Shut up. 

Gad: This isn’t even fun anymore. 

Jake: I beat you all in my dreams!

[He begins to dance around the court]

Jake [singing]: I’m the best, I’m the best, I’m the best!

Asher: No you’re not!

Jake: Then why did dad give me this killer co-hoat!  Oh snap! [Pulls off his outer garmet to reveal a coat of many colors]

[Continues to dance]

Judah: If you do not shut up, we’re going to throw you in that well. 

Jake [singing]: I’m the favorite! I’m the favorite! I’m the favorite! Got this coat cause I’m the favorite!

[Cut to:  Jake in the well, the last glimmer of light vanishes, as the stone seals the opening]

Jake: Sonuvabitch. 

***

Needless to say, really glad I’m a member of the 21^st century, and you know… for Jesus.

“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him, and find him.  Yet he is actually not far from each one of us.” – Acts 17:26-27