In the midst of watching a close contested match between the Baltimore Ravens and the New England Patriots, my roommate Henry Elgersma and I made a vow that if the Patriots were to play the New York Giants in the Super Bowl we would boycott the game. The principle of this oath harkens back to the tagline of the prophetic and all too real documentary, Alien Vs. Predator: “Whoever wins… we lose.”
Now I know what one will say, Did you not learn anything from Jephthah? And my answer is no. Jesus says, “Do not take an oath at all… unless you’re like 90 percent sure.” Matthew 5:33-something. Regardless of whether we spoke too rashly, our karma-induced vendettas turned sour, as we watched both Ravens and 49ers lose their respective games; the oath became reality.
But the weight of this oath was not only will we boycott, but rather than watch the game, we shall break down gender stereotypes, tie up aprons, and bake. And bake we shall.
Now there is another purpose in choosing baking, and that is found in Proverbs 14:10 – “A woman loves a man who knows his way aroundeth a kitchen (The Message). We’re merely trying to hone our skills as to impress a potential spouse – merely out of obedience. “And whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God, and to find a wife. Preferably an attractive one.” - Colossians.*
*”I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak.” – Matthew 12:36 (This one’s a real verse) (Basically, I’m hoping that God has a sense of humor)
So our plan is to go big, but I don’t really know what impresses a girl when it comes to baking. I mean, this is predominantly their territory, and I’m just a rookie. For example, if a girl came up to me and said “Jake, don’t you think it’s sexy that I can throw a football?” I’ll say, “No! Get outta here, what’s your problem?” But then if she replied in a sultry voice, “But I can throw a spiral.” Well, now we’re talking.
Thus, we asked the source directly, and we got the response of tiramisu. My first reaction was, perfect, I don’t even know what it is, but it’s French so we’re starting off on a good foot.
Knowing my inconsistencies as a chef, I knew that I could not Allen Iverson such a dish, so a practice round was necessary. Here are the pitiful, ridiculous, stupid results.
I should have known I was in trouble the moment I read the ingredients.
Ladyfingers!?! I’m trying woo a girl, not decapitate one. I’m not sure if this will work, but I’m trusting you food.com...
Ohhh. Brandy. They can't feel it, if they're not conscious. Nice.
Mascarpone cheese? Mascarpone? I live in America, damn it.
Separating egg whites from the yolks... Like ALL of the white parts of the egg?
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| Symbolic picture of my inner American/Korean turmoil |
Milk may or may not be good...
Beat egg whites until they peak. Right...
Now this is where everything falls apart.
We don't own an egg beater/mixer thing. So I stirred and stirred but to no avail. And then I was supposed to mix the cheese in with the egg yolk/sugar/milk concoction. Really hard to mix by hand.
BUT!
We do have a blender.
I get done blending, and I say to myself, alright pour over the coffee/brandy soaked lady fingers, in your 7 X 11 pan. (Which I'm pretty sure if the picture indicates dimensions correctly is actually a 9 x 13 pan...)
Er wait a second... the directions say spread... and I'm definitely pouring... Yep, it's not supposed to look like that. I had the best intentions, I swear. The aftermath:
Needless to say I'm going to need more preparation. But in all fairness, I think I would have been moderately successful if I had used a mixer, rather than uh... a blender. This was a pretty pricey misstep though, so the next time I do it, I'm going to make sure I'm adequately prepared. I will not be thwarted! Any advice and hints will be much appreciated.
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