Among other things, I'm afraid of animals.

The other night my driver side window, rolled down maybe a third of the way, had invited a bird to fly into my car.   As I approached my door, I saw a flutter of feathers as the creature panicked at the arrival of a new intruder.  I panicked too, cause I’ve never had a bird in may car, and it’s not something I particularly value. 

I panicked because at first I thought it was a bat.  Or maybe a mechanized bomb disguised as some flying creature. 

Nevertheless I was afraid for a handful of seconds as I cautiously opened my door, to release my enemy to freedom. 

I realize, that maybe I panicked, because I don’t care too much for animals. 

 And then I remembered talking to a friend who told me that he has a fear of things flying around his head.  Maybe his fear became my fear.

I was creeped out.  I sat in my car feeling a little dirty, figuring out what I knew about bird flu.  I looked and saw that the bird, possibly in its distress, or simply revenge (even though it was his fault for flying into my car) had deuced on my dashboard. 

I shook my head, mostly in shame.  Fear brings out the worst (see dashboard).  I would not typically categorize myself as a man motivated by fear.  But there are certain moments where my natural instincts have no time and no desire to wait for my moral understandings and my code of ethics and beliefs.  There is bird poop on my dashboard begging the deeper drudges of existence to be mined.  Fight or flight, the bird is biologically constrained even when it wants to do the former.  What is my excuse?  My wingless body shrugs.  What can I do?  What’s the difference between fear and wisdom?  Lines can be thin.  Like my muscles.  I’m a lover not a fighter.  Ah.  There it is.

The line is love, for perfect love casts out all fear.

But for some reason I still won’t go on roller coasters, or swim in the deep end, or climb ladders – tall ladders, or not freeze when I see an unexpected animal cross my path.  But no one wants to be afraid.  No one who fears, can truly love.  Fear is self-preservation.  Love is selfless.  That’s what I need, I need more love.  I’ll pray that I can love birds in my car.  Ask and you will receive. 

I drove home in the night, telling myself that in the morning I would go and clean up my dashboard.